Praise and Imitate the Behavior You Want to See Your Child Repeat

Do you want to see good behavior in your child? Encourage good behavior when you see it. Researchers tell us that children look to their parents to figure out how to behave. Telling your child what you like to see them do will make them more likely to keep doing the good things. It’s even better to imitate them when they behave well. It sends the strongest, clearest message about what you want to see. 

Parents’ Influence on Children’s Behavior

According to researchers, parents have a strong influence on their children’s behavior. Children behave like their parents,  so it’s important to behave the way you want them to behave. One study found that imitation is so important in effective learning that children will “over-imitate” their parents’ behavior. They’ll copy a task exactly as they observe it, even if some steps in the task are unnecessary or have nothing to do with the task.

However, it’s not enough to tell children what you want. Imitating the behavior you want is the best way to get them to display it. 

To explore this, researcher Albert Bandura conducted a series of studies in which some children watched adults treat a doll kindly. Other children watched adults hit the doll with a hammer. Each group of children behaved the way they had seen the adults do. This led Bandura to theorize that children learn their behaviors from what they see others in their environment do.

Even more interesting, this “social learning” doesn’t just involve the child imitating the parent. It’s also effective when the parent imitates the child.

“Any behavior you imitate is likely to be repeated by your child,” the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) advises in its tips for parents of toddlers and preschoolers. “When you imitate your child’s play, you show her you are paying attention and like what she is doing. Imitation can help a child feel good about herself and gives you a lot of chances to give positive attention.”

Reward Good Behavior with Praise

To build those desirable behaviors, parents should “embrace praise,” the American Psychological Association (APA) advises. Giving attention to a behavior encourages the child to repeat the behavior. But that includes both desirable and undesirable actions. It’s best to call attention to good behavior rather than to point out the bad.

“When it comes to nagging, reprimand and other forms of punishment, the more you do it, the more likely you are not going to get the behavior you want,” says Alan E. Kazdin, PhD, a psychology professor at Yale University and former APA president “A better way to get children to clean their room or do their homework, for example, is to model the behavior yourself, encourage it and praise it when you see it.”

Best Ways to Praise Your Child

In praising your child, remember that praise is most effective when it is specific and focuses on the behavior rather than on the child. Here are two forms of praise that experts say work best:

Labeled Praise

According to experts, “labeled praise” is a positive statement that says exactly what you liked about their behavior. If the child is sitting quietly, don’t praise them for “being good.” This might make them feel good but it doesn’t give them any real guidance. 

Instead, say something like “I really like how quietly you’re sitting in your chair.” This tells the child exactly what they’re doing right so they can repeat the good behavior. It also keeps the focus on the behavior rather than on the child.

In the same way, calling out a bad behavior will reinforce the action in the child’s mind — but be careful how you do it. Don’t get angry or raise your voice but point out why it’s not acceptable. By ignoring misbehavior, you risk implying that it’s OK.

 Description

Another way to call out good behavior is to describe what your child is doing right. The technique not only praises the behavior but also build’s the child’s self-esteem. It shows them you are interested and giving them your full attention. The CDC compares description to a sportscaster’s play-by-play. It might go something like this:

“You’re looking at all the pieces and trying to decide which one you want. Oh, you decided to put a green cowboy hat on the potato. Nice job getting the hat on. Now he has a mustache. You picked the green glasses that match the green hat. Those glasses are tough to put on, and I like how hard you are trying. I am glad you stuck with it and you got those glasses on his face.”

Child Cognitive Development

According to development experts, your child will probably start picking up on your behavioral cues at around their first birthday. They’ll stop mimicking you just to copy you and will start imitating you to learn how to behave.

This means you should start modeling the behavior you want at about the same time. Some experts recommend using a learning video for kids, which shows them the behavior you want to them to display. But video is most effective for preschoolers (ages 3-6). Don’t use it as your primary tool, but as reinforcement or to show more people displaying the desired behavior. Your own personal imitation is still the best way to teach your child. 

Getting Children to Behave

Keep in mind that part of modeling behavior is teaching the consequences for children’s behavior. When children see a behavior punished or rewarded, they learn to act in a way that will either reward them or prevent the punishment. That’s why it’s important not to protect children from the consequences of undesirable behavior. 

When it comes to getting children to behave, your best tool is consistency. If you reward and punish inconsistently, your child will not know how to behave. Worse, the child can become anxious and uncertain, and will only learn they cannot trust their parent to teach them the behaviors they need to know.

On the other hand, if you praise your child consistently for the behaviors you want to see and show them what you mean by displaying the behavior yourself. Reinforce their good behavior by imitating it yourself. It’s one of the most important strategies you can use for raising happy, confident children.