Add this to your back-to-school checklist: Is your child emotionally ready? Op-Ed by Michelle Shirley on the Miami Herald

Checklist by Michelle Shirley – A new school year starts soon in South Florida, and if your family is like mine, you’re rushing from store to website and back again, armed with lists of supplies and clothing your child will need to be physically and intellectually ready to learn on that first day.

There’s one more back-to-school list to check off so you can answer a critical question: Is your child socially and emotionally ready?

Social and emotional readiness has always been important for setting children up for success. But today, in the aftermath of the COVID-19 pandemic’s school closures, it’s more important than ever for parents to ask themselves the question.

A child or adolescent who is ready for the social and emotional demands of school will enter the classroom with confidence (although a few butterflies are perfectly normal). They are willing and able to listen to their teacher and participate in a positive, non-disruptive way. They’ll have good social skills to get along with classmates, make friends and express their emotions appropriately.

Two years after Florida schools reopened to full in-person learning, many children still are coping with the effects of the pandemic, which cut them off from the critical social support of friends, teachers and coaches. Many students fell behind academically as they — and their parents and teachers — struggled to quickly figure out how to use remote-learning technology.

The National Institutes of Health has identified numerous mental health problems related to COVID in youth, including anxiety, stress, depression, panic, irritation, impulsivity, sleep problems, post-traumatic stress disorder and even suicidal behavior.

The Florida Association of Children’s Hospitals reports, “What began as a public health emergency turned into a mental-health crisis. The duration of the pandemic, isolation from friends and family, effects of parental stress and economic hardship and loss of loved ones take their toll on children’s mental health.”

U.S. Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy issued a similar warning in December 2021: “The pandemic era’s unfathomable number of deaths, pervasive sense of fear, economic instability and forced physical distancing from loved ones, friends and communities have exacerbated the unprecedented stresses young people already faced.”

It’s normal to regret leaving behind the glory days of summer vacation to return to school, but not so that it interferes with performing in school or connecting with peers. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you sense your child is experiencing anxiety, depression or another serious mental-health condition that keeps them from enjoying school. You can also help them adjust to a new school year with some positive approaches:

▪ Help them build a positive mindset.

In the weeks before school starts, look for opportunities to talk about the positive things that school brings: new experiences, new friends, new things to learn. Be careful not to overwhelm them, especially if they tend to worry about the future.

Now is also the time to set a routine for sleep, meals and work. Don’t suddenly spring an early bedtime on children the night before school starts.

▪ Play “What if?”

Ask them to imagine some scenarios they’re afraid of; strategize handling them successfully. What if the teacher asks me a question, and I don’t know the answer? What if someone picks on me? What if I lose my lunch money? End the game by helping them visualize a positive experience. What if everyone loves me and I have a terrific first day?

▪ Be there after their first day.

Do your best to be available when they get home, or soon after, on their first day. If you can’t be there in person, plan to call or text them. Ask how their day went, but don’t push for an answer. Expect them to say it was “fine,” go off on their own and come to you a few hours later to tell you everything.

▪ Help them connect with others.

Encourage your child to join after-school clubs, sports or community organizations where they can develop the social skills they missed if they were learning from home during the pandemic. Children learn their most important social skills by watching and interacting with their peers, and the more contact they have in fun, relaxed settings, the more successful they’ll be in class.

Michelle Shirley

Michelle Shirley is CEO and Chief Heart Officer ® of Be Strong International, a Miami-based non-profit organization, which provides South Florida youth and families, healthy-relationship education.

Thank you to the Miami Herald for publishing this incredibly valuable Op-Ed.

I used to be a person that hated confrontation. Even the simplest disagreement would make me shudder. I don’t know if it’s because of what I witnessed as a small child, but I think watching my parents argue and seeing arguments turn into physical altercations really affected the way I approached disagreements and how I shrank at the thought of someone being upset with me after a conflict. I remember my first real and intense disagreement with my boss/mentor. She was an older, much more experienced, and strong-willed woman that knew what she wanted and how things should go. I was a young college graduate who felt like textbook knowledge alone qualified me to challenge many of her decisions. While I was young and “passionate” about my ideas, she was the first real experience I had of genuine workplace disagreement and conflict.

When I Realized We Need X-Men and Not Yes Men

I remember walking into her office one day and saying, “You really could have handled that better and that person feels hurt that they didn’t get the promotion.” I can’t remember what her response was now, but it was the normal, “it’s part of life – that person needs to know that it is not their time yet as they are not ready.” I explained that while I understood that, and maybe she was right, the way she handled it upset me the most. I was habitually the peacemaker, and while I was happy to be a savior, I was annoyed that I was the buffer at the same time, which meant I took a lot of heat behind closed doors that most team members didn’t realize. I still remember the moment I realized that I was beginning to feel comfortable with intense debates. During a heated discussion, which I felt was going nowhere, I eventually said, “Hey, I’m hungry. What do you want me to get you for lunch?”

You may be thinking…, “OK? What part of that statement changed the game for her?” But, it was not the statement, but the action. The action said to both her and me that I cared about her well-being and that our relationship wouldn’t change based on our current disagreement. The statement/question wasn’t a cop-out to change the subject or avoid the conflict altogether; it just showed me that I could see past our differences and still be human toward her. I had grown up feeling like, after a disagreement, no one gave a crap about what each other wanted, so there was no point in continuing the relationship either. That’s what I witnessed as a child, and it was difficult to understand that you could disagree with someone, get into a heated debate with them, and still care about them.

Thinking deeper about my workplace transformation, I realized I cared deeply about the team members and the business. It resulted in my talking through and respectfully questioning my mentor. And while it was a nerve-wracking experience initially, I realized she came to value our discussions over time. I eventually realized that the heated conversations were only the beginning. I learned that what really was of service to my mentor was the fact that she didn’t want to have what I call just a “yes” person on her team, especially when it came to big decisions that could cause ripple effects within the organization.

What is a Yes Man?

“Yes Men” are people who, without question, do whatever the leader asks of them, even when they know there may be a better option or idea. Perhaps this attitude is analogous to the “quiet quitting” phenomenon. Either way, Yes Men usually don’t want to deal with confrontations or simply don’t care enough to challenge the leader to discuss an alternative solution. There could be all sorts of reasons why people become Yes Men. I knew it would be in the best interest of and beneficial for the leader and the business to speak up if I knew better alternatives to a situation or process.

How to Turn Into an X-Man

Eventually, I got promoted not only because I was dedicated to my work and did the job but because I gained her trust. After a few years of working together, she knew I wanted her and her business to succeed. I wanted the company to grow, and I wanted to help her continue to build her legacy.

Today, as an executive, I made it very clear to my executive team that I do not want Yes Men around me. I need to be told that my idea sucks or, “Hey, that needs a bit more thought.” It helps me remain humble and allows me to get help in growing the business when people see they have a part to play in the solution and overall performance of the company. X-Men hone into their strengths, heart skills, and stick up for what they believe in. They use their voice and know that disagreements are good and provide a diversity of solutions.

Some questions you may want to ask yourself when determining if you’re a yes-man are:

Am I afraid to challenge ideas with better and more efficient solutions?
Am I highly concerned about conflict over providing helpful support to the team?
Am I delivering my own ideas?

My advice to everyone, whatever your role may be, is to speak up. Offer solutions to your boss and team. You may come up with an out-of-the-box idea that works the best. It benefits all parties, including yourself, when you find your voice, develop heart skills, and empower others to feel they can as well. Don’t just be a “Yes Man.” Find your superpower and transform from a “Yes Men” to an “X-Men.”

If you’re in need of transforming your workplace from a team of “Yes Men” to “X-Men” contact us at Be Strong International and tap into the heart skills needed to empower your team.

Michelle Shirley

From Yes Men to X-Men: Tapping Into Your Superpower

Are you a Hater, A Cheerleader of A Collaborator?

By Michelle Shirley

CEO & Chief Heart Officer at Be Strong International

Are you a hater, always comparing yourself to someone else and getting upset when someone else wins? Are you unwilling to find synergies with other entities that would help you accomplish similar goals?

I used to be a hater. I definitely would have joined Haters Anonymous if there was such a thing. I confess that I was a hater when I saw other victories by competitors; I hated the way I felt for hating.

Everyone knows what being a hater means, but we are not all open to saying that we may be practicing “haterism” at some point. Maybe you have never been a hater; that’s a great thing.

I remember nearly 10 years ago when I was voted in by the board to take the reins at Be Strong International, and how excited, nervous, and scared I was. Not only did I have big shoes to fill, but I also had to fill my office with people to do all this community work with very little funding! I had only seven people with me, and we were taking on so much! We had grant requirements to meet, and I had to constantly search for funding to supplement the additional items needed to keep the organization afloat. It was a tough first year, but I was determined to make my predecessor proud.

I remember spending countless nights writing, reading, and researching as I wrote my own grant proposals, only to see a competitor get the same grant I had applied for. To make it worse, I would then look at their website and tell myself how much better they were than Be Strong. I would wallow in sorrow for a day or two before I got back up again. This pattern continued for a few years until I started to realize that this emotional roller-coaster was harmful to my personal and professional growth.

BIRTH OF A HATER

Looking deeper into why I thought this way, I realized that as a kid growing up, I was expected to perform well academically and not bring home anything less than a C. If I didn’t do well, I would definitely walk the plank of sadness when I got home. Feeling this sort of pressure and aiming to be the best never afforded me the space to celebrate someone else’s triumph. Working on this could have helped me be more emotionally stable in the beginning stages of my business.

THE POWER OF COLLABORATION

In the non-profit space, many entities in a local geographic area are competing for the same limited funding as we work toward fixing the social ills that plague our world. I had to change my mindset and know that if someone else came into our space and won funding over us, it was OK. We were still one step closer to getting people the help they needed to live a more prosperous, fulfilling life. That’s what really mattered. And I had to keep that at the forefront of my mind.

As I matured in my role personally and professionally, I came to understand that the need at times was so great, no one agency could ever do it all. I then started to collaborate with others to help meet the needs of the community members who needed help the most.

CHEERING ON THE TEAM

I have realized that there just aren’t enough cheerleaders around who genuinely congratulate leaders, managers, or support team members on their wins or on the impact that their organization is making. I then unknowingly became an advocate for local leaders that I knew, helping them get into a funding pool, assisting with their business needs, and just being a mentor to them without expecting anything in return.

How did this change happen? When I learned four essential lessons:

It is much more rewarding and fun to help someone else achieve their goals or give them the advice needed to fuel their passion for good!
It is such a relief to let go and realize that whatever the heavens have aligned for you will be destined for you, and no one can take that away from you. Of course, nothing comes without some faith and hard work on your part, but there is a time when you must realize certain things are out of your control. Work hard and do your best with what you can control and let the heavens decide the rest.
Being a cheerleader for someone else is one of the best feelings in the world. Even the best leaders need to know sometimes that someone is in their corner. People need to know someone supports them and the hard work they have put into their idea or business. It’s so rewarding to know that your encouraging words can help to give someone the strength they need to keep going and reach their best next level.
No one person has all the answers. I’ve learned so much through collaboration with other entities. I have done much more service to communities through collaboration than I could ever do alone. No one is an island, especially when it comes to social issues!

I’ve come such a long way into the cheerleader and collaborator status, and I am thankful for the people along the way who have helped me become the beautiful soul and leader that I am today. I’ve made lots of mistakes, but I’ve made lots of friends and I hope that I continue to be a blessing to everyone who comes my way.

3 Values I Learned In My Valley of Despair

By Michelle Shirley,

CEO & Chief Heart Officer at Be Strong International

From Feb 2020 to late 2021, it felt like the heavens said, “Let’s kick it up a notch and give Michelle an extra dose of hardship and emotional pain.”

From dealing with the worst possible tragedy someone could imagine, to broken friendships and work woes, it felt like everything that I imagined that would be beautiful and in my favor, instead came to ashes and seemed like a nightmare. I was faced with the death of my baby in childbirth, the resignations of key team members and the end of a long-time friendship. There were times when team members close to me would say, “You should really get some rest. Or if there is anything you want me to do, please let me know, I am here.” While their words comforted me temporarily, deep down, all I could focus on was getting an “undo” button.

“If I had just paid more attention to the baby in my tummy, then maybe she would still be here? If I had paid more attention to the hidden woes of my team, then maybe I could have fixed the culture disruption and nuances that were happening? If I had been more consistent with my response rate to my text messages, then maybe I would have been able to save my friendship.” And the thoughts went on and on.

The reality is that life never guarantees every situation will be perfectly executed in the way that we design it to go. While we know that internal motivation can push you forward and can allow you to achieve the incredible and impossible, there are these untimely moments that creep up on us and force us to go into what I like to call the “valley” phase of life. From the peak of success, we fall into a valley that forces us to think, rethink, ponder, cry, feel despair and maybe even depression because of some incident or situation that shakes our world. What’s really scary is that some people can’t mentally make it out of the valley. They need help, a lifeline.

Everyone needs help in the valley. It could be something so simple as receiving an encouraging word each day or getting a hug, and it especially requires getting time alone to process “what the heck is going on and what should I learn from this right now?” There are so many tools that can help someone navigate through the valley. You just have to know where to look and what to do, so that you can survive it.

I couldn’t undo many of the things that happened. For some situations, I know the heavens may be smiling at what I believe was my best effort to exercise humility and offer apologies to those I hurt without realizing it. What I did learn was three important values that will stay with me forever. (I learned way more than that in the valley, but for the sake of brevity, I’m sharing three).

Apologize to others and forgive yourself. Do all you can to keep your heart in a place of humility to say, “I’m sorry.” It doesn’t matter if you feel the person “deserves” your apology or not. Having the will to apologize when you are wrong will make you rich in humility and give you blessings in the unexpected times when you may need it most.
Be Strong. Develop the heart and the mental strength to not be easily offended. Expect that when you make yourself vulnerable, selfless or transparent to others, they may not reciprocate for their own personal reasons. Harboring unmet expectations can lead to bitterness and resentment.
Practice self-awareness. Become very aware of the areas where you feel broken, while recognizing that at times the situation will not work out as you planned it. But process what you have learned and keep those wisdom nuggets for future experiences. Anyone can move up the career ranks or get noticed quickly with strong skills sets and natural gifts, but the life experience and wisdom that comes through pain and slow gains is priceless and adds much more value to your net worth.

Today, while I feel like I am walking upwards and making my way out of the valley (slowly), I realize it is a temporary place to camp out. Valley experiences can seem long and tiresome but hope and perseverance can be some of the food you need to strengthen yourself during your journey. Most importantly, remember that you are loved and that your life is significant, even when you don’t feel that way.

One of the things that helped me during this time was journaling. It really helped me to release my thoughts and create action steps towards healing during this time of loss. I strongly believe that journaling is an important aspect of the healing journey. It helped me to clear my mind and heart as I faced new challenges each day. If you think that journaling might be helpful to you, our Be Strong Lifestyle Journal can help you navigate life’s valleys and help you recognize the areas where you might feel brokenness. Visit www.bestrongintl.org/ to purchase yours today.

Stay tuned for more encouragement and continue to be strong my friends…