3 Values I Learned In My Valley of Despair By Michelle Shirley

3 Values I Learned In My Valley of Despair

By Michelle Shirley,

CEO & Chief Heart Officer at Be Strong International

From Feb 2020 to late 2021, it felt like the heavens said, “Let’s kick it up a notch and give Michelle an extra dose of hardship and emotional pain.”

From dealing with the worst possible tragedy someone could imagine, to broken friendships and work woes, it felt like everything that I imagined that would be beautiful and in my favor, instead came to ashes and seemed like a nightmare. I was faced with the death of my baby in childbirth, the resignations of key team members and the end of a long-time friendship. There were times when team members close to me would say, “You should really get some rest. Or if there is anything you want me to do, please let me know, I am here.” While their words comforted me temporarily, deep down, all I could focus on was getting an “undo” button.

“If I had just paid more attention to the baby in my tummy, then maybe she would still be here? If I had paid more attention to the hidden woes of my team, then maybe I could have fixed the culture disruption and nuances that were happening? If I had been more consistent with my response rate to my text messages, then maybe I would have been able to save my friendship.” And the thoughts went on and on.

The reality is that life never guarantees every situation will be perfectly executed in the way that we design it to go. While we know that internal motivation can push you forward and can allow you to achieve the incredible and impossible, there are these untimely moments that creep up on us and force us to go into what I like to call the “valley” phase of life. From the peak of success, we fall into a valley that forces us to think, rethink, ponder, cry, feel despair and maybe even depression because of some incident or situation that shakes our world. What’s really scary is that some people can’t mentally make it out of the valley. They need help, a lifeline.

Everyone needs help in the valley. It could be something so simple as receiving an encouraging word each day or getting a hug, and it especially requires getting time alone to process “what the heck is going on and what should I learn from this right now?” There are so many tools that can help someone navigate through the valley. You just have to know where to look and what to do, so that you can survive it.

I couldn’t undo many of the things that happened. For some situations, I know the heavens may be smiling at what I believe was my best effort to exercise humility and offer apologies to those I hurt without realizing it. What I did learn was three important values that will stay with me forever. (I learned way more than that in the valley, but for the sake of brevity, I’m sharing three).

Apologize to others and forgive yourself. Do all you can to keep your heart in a place of humility to say, “I’m sorry.” It doesn’t matter if you feel the person “deserves” your apology or not. Having the will to apologize when you are wrong will make you rich in humility and give you blessings in the unexpected times when you may need it most.
Be Strong. Develop the heart and the mental strength to not be easily offended. Expect that when you make yourself vulnerable, selfless or transparent to others, they may not reciprocate for their own personal reasons. Harboring unmet expectations can lead to bitterness and resentment.
Practice self-awareness. Become very aware of the areas where you feel broken, while recognizing that at times the situation will not work out as you planned it. But process what you have learned and keep those wisdom nuggets for future experiences. Anyone can move up the career ranks or get noticed quickly with strong skills sets and natural gifts, but the life experience and wisdom that comes through pain and slow gains is priceless and adds much more value to your net worth.

Today, while I feel like I am walking upwards and making my way out of the valley (slowly), I realize it is a temporary place to camp out. Valley experiences can seem long and tiresome but hope and perseverance can be some of the food you need to strengthen yourself during your journey. Most importantly, remember that you are loved and that your life is significant, even when you don’t feel that way.

One of the things that helped me during this time was journaling. It really helped me to release my thoughts and create action steps towards healing during this time of loss. I strongly believe that journaling is an important aspect of the healing journey. It helped me to clear my mind and heart as I faced new challenges each day. If you think that journaling might be helpful to you, our Be Strong Lifestyle Journal can help you navigate life’s valleys and help you recognize the areas where you might feel brokenness. Visit www.bestrongintl.org/ to purchase yours today.

Stay tuned for more encouragement and continue to be strong my friends…

Children love electronic devices. A lot of adults do, too. Smartphones, tablets, computers and TV bring us music and video games and connect us with people and events close by and around the world. But children need guidance in electronic use, just as they do with other aspects of life. Parents must monitor children’s screen time to make sure electronics aren’t taking over their lives. Once you understand the risks of overexposure to electronics, you’ll want to take an active role in how much and how your child uses these devices.

Protect Your Child by Monitoring Screen Time

Why should you be concerned about your children’s screen time? Researchers have found many reasons parents should be aware of what their children see on their screens. They should know whom their children are interacting with and whether they’re exposed to questionable content.

Overuse can lead to physical problems like vision disorders. In addition, while social media can be fun and engaging, it can also hurt your child’s ability to connect on a personal level. It can also subject your child to cyberbullying, which has become a significant concern in recent years.

If these issues already worry you, researchers have also found that you’re far from alone.

How Much Time Do Kids Spend on Screens?

In fact, most parents feel guilty about how much time their children spend on electronic screens, according to a study conducted with Google Surveys. More than half of the responding parents said they felt very or somewhat guilty about their children’s screen time. No wonder: According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, children ages 8-12 spend an average of 4 to 6 hours a day on electronic screens while teens spend up to 9 hours.

Usage is even higher among children in lower-income families. According to research reported by Statista, tweens whose families earned less than $35,000 a year spent an average of almost 6 hours a day on electronic devices. In comparison, children in households earning more than $100,000 spend about 4 hours a day on digital screens.

And the screen habit begins early, according to research reported in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Children start using digital media devices as young as 6 months old; by their teens, they’re spending almost 7 hours a day on social media, playing video games and watching TV and movies. Many children have their own devices by age 4 but have been using them far earlier – and are “media multitasking,” jumping between devices and between apps and websites on each device, by ages 3 to 5. In addition, researchers say many parents give electronic devices to keep them calm and at bedtime.

Can all this screen time be good for children? Not according to research by experts in child development.

When Kids Get Too Much Screen Time

First, how much screen time is too much for children? The Mayo Clinic recommends no more than 1 hour a day of screen time for children ages 2-5. Those 6 and older, including teens, should be on screens no more than 2 hours a day, not counting educational use.

Consistently spending more time than that can lead to problems with these areas:

Eyes

The American Academy of Pediatrics warns of several vision problems. For example, a child who stares at the screen for an extended time without a break can suffer eye fatigue and headaches. This can also cause their eyes’ focusing system to malfunction, so when the child does look up from the screen, everything looks blurry. And because they’re probably not blinking as much, especially when playing video games, their eyes can get dry and irritated.

Spine and Neck

Sitting hunched over for hours, looking down at the phone or gaming device, can cause discomfort and even deformity.

Social Development

The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) lists numerous emotional and social problems. For example, spending hours a day on digital screens can lead to sleep problems, poor school performance and isolation from friends and family. In addition, your child could be at risk of obesity from lack of physical exercise and the tendency to snack on convenience foods (healthy eating cuts into gaming or social media time).

Exposure to Unhealthy Influences

Unrestricted digital media can also expose your child to unhealthy and even dangerous influences, the AACAP warns. From websites showing inappropriate sexual content to “entertainment” sites that encourage risky stunts, your child could be learning about mature adult behavior long before it’s suitable. Other sites may expose your child to racism, bigotry and hatred, undermining your family’s beliefs.

Another area of concern is cyberbullying, in which a child becomes the target of cruel texts and social media posts. This can do lasting damage to the child’s self-esteem. In a few rare cases, it has been known to lead to suicide.

Ways to Monitor Your Child’s Screen Time

Knowing all this, should you just gather up your child’s devices, throw them out and live an analog life? Of course not. Digital devices can be useful tools that educate, engage and connect us. They can have positive influences along with negative ones. They’re a permanent part of modern life; we have to learn to use them intelligently.

You can offer them alternatives to digital media – getting them away from the screen, out of the house and socializing with others their age, at least for a while. Be Strong International has several programs where children and teens can get together in a fun, friendly environment while also learning useful life and academic skills.

But as much fun as we offer them, we know they’ll probably never give up digital media entirely. That means parents must monitor their digital screen time and know what their children are consuming. Here are some ways to do that:

Set Reasonable Limits

Decide how much time your child can spend using screens for recreational use. Be fair and realistic; don’t expect your teen to suddenly cut back from 8 to 2 hours a day on their smartphone. Make sure you leave time for homework, socializing with family and friends, and sleep. Be clear on what “educational use” means; it should be directly related to school assignments. If your child has a problem obeying digital limits, you may have to hold them in a safe place during off-limits times.

Create No-Technology Zones

You can make places and times of day off-limits to technology, like mealtime or when you’re in the car. Let everyone in the family know you want them to be present for each other. This can also get children in the habit of not texting while driving when they get older.

Use Parental Controls

If you’re worried about what your child is seeing or experiencing, install one of the many applications that can track their activity on social media, games and texting. Some will also block inappropriate content and let you set a time limit.

Use Screen Time as a Reward

If you’re limiting your child’s screen time, give a one-time bonus as a reward for good behavior. For instance, you could give an extra hour for each “A” they get on a report card or if they do extra chores without being asked. Just don’t use it as a punishment, especially with teens; make it a tool for encouraging good behavior.

Be an Example

Are you texting in the car or at the dinner table? When you take the family to the beach or pool, do you check your email or visit websites on your phone? Children will follow your example more than they follow your words, so don’t expect them to limit their digital time if you can’t limit yours.

Take Regular Tech Breaks

Remind your child to give their body and brain a rest. Look up from the screen, set the phone down and move. The American Optometric Association calls it the 20/20/20 rule: Look away from the screen every 20 minutes, focus on an object at least 20 feet away, and do this for at least 20 seconds. Doctors also recommend getting up and moving for 10 minutes every hour. Set an alarm on their cellphone to enforce this. You can even get software programs that turn off the screen at regular intervals.

Get Regular Vision Screenings

Your child may not say anything if they’re having vision problems; they may not even realize they’re having them or think anything can be done. However, all children should have their vision checked regularly, especially if they log a lot of screen time.

Talk to Your Child

Being aware of the digital content your child is consuming will not only help you keep them from harm but can also help you connect with them. Show interest in how they’re spending their time online and share what you’ve been doing. Make sure they understand your values and encourage them to come to you to talk about anything disturbing or uncomfortable that they encounter. Let them know you’re here to listen and to answer their questions.

Monitor Screen Time for Happier, Healthier Children

Like anything else in a child’s life, digital media can be a force for good or a tool of destruction. The difference often comes down to moderation. Monitoring your child’s screen time and setting limits can help you to protect your child and keep digital media as the helpful resource it was meant to be.

It’s essential to have friends in our lives. Some of us wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for our friends. They can be a source of support in times of need, making it a little easier to overcome life’s problems.

Take a moment and think about your relationship with your best friend. How long did it take to develop to what it is today? What did they do to become your best friend? We have to allow our children to build healthy friendships. The trick is to start early and teach them that to have a good friend, they have to be a good friend.

It’s not as easy as it sounds, especially with older children. But, be Strong International’s parent-child communication workshops, Ready to Talk, can help you get started. Workshop topics include the importance of communicating about healthy relationships – which, experts say, can lay the foundation for success later in life.

How to Teach Your Child to Be a Good Friend

It might surprise you to think that your child needs your help making friends. Shouldn’t it come naturally? It does for some, but many children don’t know how to interact with their peers. This is often the case for only children or first-born children because they have no brothers or sisters to help them learn about getting along with other children. Some of them – maybe even your child – feel frustrated about this and act out by hitting or teasing other children. So, yes – they do need your help.

You can give them help in several ways. Techniques include modeling positive friendship, pointing out good examples and simply talking about relationships. Teaching your child about making friends will benefit them in many ways, both now as a child and later as an adult.

Why Children Need Friends

Research suggests that children who have friends are happier and more confident as they grow up and adulthood. “Some studies show that kids as young as kindergarteners know what it means to be lonely and to feel boredom and sadness,” writes Hansa D. Bhargava, M.D., in “Fit Kids: The Importance of Children’s Friendships” at WebMD. Lonely children can grow up to be lonely adults.

The research confirms this, write Elian Fink and Claire Hughes in “Children’s Friendships” for The Psychologist:

“Some have even argued that without the opportunities friendships afford for collaboration and intimacy children would fail to develop the social skills necessary for later successful adult relationships. Indeed, there have been studies . . . linking having a good-quality friendship during one’s school years and later relationship quality. Clearly then important processes are at play when children interact with their friends that form a model for social interactions that span a lifetime.”

Child development experts warn parents not to confuse having friends with being popular. They’re not the same thing, says Kenneth Rubin, Ph.D., professor of human development at the University of Maryland and author of The Friendship Factor: Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World — and Why It Matters for Their Success and Happiness.

“Not every child has to be popular, nor can every child be popular,” Rubin writes. Popularity is often a temporary condition based on superficial factors. It’s more important for a child to learn how to build relationships that last than to work on getting people to like them at the moment. Learning how to build healthy relationships teaches them empathy and negotiating for what they want in a fair way that considers others’ needs.

Before talking to your child about friendship, it helps to understand friendship – good and bad – yourself.

What Makes a Good Friend?

It’s not hard to understand. A good friend is simply “someone who cares about you for yourself, just the way you are,” mental health advocate Sarah Fader writes at Better Help, an e-counseling platform. Fader notes that some people want unique qualities in their friends, like sharing a sense of adventure or love of certain music or movies. But several qualities are universal, she writes:

Trust: This doesn’t just mean they’ll keep your secrets, but that you can be yourself around them without being judged.
Empathy: A good friend will be there to help when you have a problem. They will understand your feelings and will respond appropriately; they won’t laugh when you’re sad or get angry if you tell them you made a mistake.
Give and Take: A good friendship goes two ways. One of you should not always be the one doing favors for the other or deciding what you will do together. If you cannot do something they ask, they will not get upset or break off the relationship.
Boundaries: A true friend doesn’t ask you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable or that violate your ethics or morals.

If your friend doesn’t display one or more of these qualities, talk to them about it. A true friend will listen to your concerns and be willing to change. However, if they continue their behavior, you may be in what’s considered a toxic relationship. In this case, you may have no choice but to walk away from the relationship.

How to Walk Away from a Toxic Friendship

A friendship is toxic when one person routinely does things that hurt the other physically or emotionally. This can include anything from making fun of you in public or insisting that you do things that make you feel uncomfortable, to hitting or threatening to hit you. However, even when these things are happening, it can be hard to walk away from toxic friends. After all, you probably became friends because they made you feel good, and you want to keep seeing the good in them.

But now they just make you feel bad.

When you decide you’ve had enough, here’s how to end it:

Plan a conversation in which you tell your friend how you feel. Don’t just ghost them; you’re just prolonging the agony.
Choose a time and place where you will both be comfortable – not on a busy day or when you’re on your way somewhere else.
Do set a time limit on your discussion. An hour or two should be enough.
Remind yourself that you don’t deserve your friend’s treatment and you didn’t do anything to cause it.
Be honest and factual. State that you want to end the friendship and explain why in a specific, non-judgmental manner. “When you laughed at me at dinner again, I felt humiliated,” not “You’re always so mean to me!”
End the conversation when you choose. Don’t get drawn into an argument.

Teaching Your Child About Friendship

You can help your child avoid getting into toxic friendships by teaching them how to make good friends and be a good friend to others. Here are five ways to teach your child to learn how to be a good friend and build healthy relationships for life:

Be a Friendship Role Model

Children look to their parents to learn how they’re supposed to act in society. Choose your friends wisely and treat them kindly, and your child will be more likely to do the same with their friends,

Talk to Them About Friendship

If your family has moved into a new neighborhood or the children are starting at a new school, offer some suggestions on making friends. Ask what they plan to do and tell them how you make friends in a new place.

Help Them Meet Other Children

Make play dates with your friends’ children, if they’re around the same age as yours. Enroll them in after-school activities or community classes. But once you provide the opportunity, back off. Your job is not to make friends for them but opportunities to make friends on their own.

Teach Them It’s OK to Disagree with a Friend

Even friends fight with each other, and your child may think a fight means things are over. Make sure they know that friends can make up and resume their relationship. But make it clear that friends don’t have to fight; this is an excellent opportunity to talk about ways to negotiate and settle a disagreement without going away mad.

Praise the Good, Coach Away the Rest

Use praise and positive reinforcement when teaching your child to be a good friend. “I love that you made sure John was invited to the party so he can make some new friends.” On the other hand, if you catch your child being less than a good friend, coach them subtly to change their behavior. “I was just wondering if you’re going to ask Todd to invite John to the party so he can meet new people and learn to fit in better.”

Teach Your Child to Be the Best Friend

The ability to make friends is a skill that your child will never stop benefiting from. Knowing how to keep their friends will be even more vital to their success in life.

For more help with communicating to your children or other ways to strengthen your family, contact Be Strong International today.

One of the primary goals for any parent should be to create a self-sufficient adult who can live independently with no supervision from their mom or dad. But independence is not a skill you can start teaching children in their last few years of adolescence; you can’t do everything for them until they become teenagers and then expect them to take care of themselves when they leave home. Instead, you must begin teaching your child independence early in their lives, as early as the toddler years.

But, you may ask, isn’t parenting hard enough without fighting with my child about household chores or watching them struggle in their friendships? I just want someone to empty the dishwasher!

Why We Need to Teach Children Independence

Yes, it’s easier in the moment to do your child’s work or solve their problems for them. If you handle everything, your silverware will sparkle and they’ll get into a top-notch college because of all the rewrites you did on their entrance essay. But what happens when they’re at that fancy college and have to write their own essays?

In the long run, raising a dependent child can cause you to feel overwhelmed with stress. In addition, it can lower your child’s self-esteem because you seem to think they’re incapable of doing anything for themselves. Teaching independence will relieve the stress that both you and your child feel when they are totally dependent on you for everything.

Be Strong International’s workshops can help you learn strategies to foster independence in your children. Meanwhile, here’s a look at how you can reduce stress in your life by teaching your child independence.

Why Is Parenting So Stressful?

Parents experience many different kinds of stress. First, we have to accomplish all the different tasks and chores for our children: getting them to school and picking them up on time, juggling schedules that get more and more crowded as the children grow, balancing everything with our own personal needs. Then, there’s all the worrying: whether the children are happy and well-adjusted; whether they’re performing well enough in school and are on track to get into a good college and get a good job. All this worry can lead to an absolutely overwhelmed feeling.

“Parenting stress,” says Gwen Dewar, Ph.D., “is the distress you experience when you feel you just can’t cope as a parent. The demands being placed on you are too high. You don’t have the resources to meet them.” The result: feeling stressed and overwhelmed.

Dewar adds, “If you’re feeling overwhelmed, that doesn’t mean you’re an inferior parent. You’ve just got too much on your plate. That’s important to remember, because feelings of inadequacy, defensiveness, guilt – these feelings make parenting stress worse.”

However, adults aren’t the only ones in the family who feel stressed and overwhelmed. Children feel stressed too, although their feelings come from different sources. It’s your job to teach them how to deal with these and other emotions in a healthy, positive way – one of the signs of a mature, independent adult.

What Kinds of Stress Do Children Feel?

Children can feel stress from two different sources: peers and adults.

Stress from Peers: Fears of not fitting in with other children can continue from childhood through adolescence, whether they worry about not performing on the playground or when peer pressure tempts them to try drugs, alcohol or sexual activity.
Stress from Adults: Parents and teachers can unknowingly add excessive pressure to excel in school, including sports and extracurricular activities, to get into the “right” college and then get the “right” job. Babies and toddlers also feel stress the first few times their parents leave them; this is called separation anxiety, a reaction that usually fades away as the baby gets used to being apart from their parents.

How Children Respond to Stress

Like adults, children will respond to stress in negative or positive ways. For example, an even-tempered child may respond well to setbacks and criticism, which they will see as opportunities to improve. On the other hand, the easily frustrated child may lash out at others, throw tantrums, or even bully younger, weaker children when things don’t go their way. Other symptoms of poor stress response include mood swings, sleep problems and regressive behaviors like thumb-sucking and bedwetting. In addition, they may show cognitive symptoms of stress, such as forgetfulness, constant worry, trouble focusing and near-constant pessimism.

The difference between these two children isn’t necessarily that they were “born that way.” Much of the first child’s success is simply due to their parents teaching them how to handle setbacks and problems in a healthy way. It also helps to let them know you expect them to manage their own affairs but are available for guidance.

How to Raise Independent Children

First, when we talk about independence, we’re talking about both functional and emotional independence.

Functional independence is the ability to call on life skills like money management and cooking to take care of yourself on your own. However, successfully putting these skills to work often depends on emotional independence: the ability to react in a mature, reasonable fashion that’s appropriate to the situation (neither throwing a tantrum over a slight disappointment nor laughing uncontrollably at a mildly funny joke).

You can help your child become both practically and emotionally independent by following these guidelines:

Let Them Make Mistakes

When they make a mistake, tell them it’s OK – that’s how we learn. Then, ask them to think back on what happened and why they chose to take action. Finally, talk about how they can keep from repeating the error. Be sure they know how important it is to ask for help when needed; it’s not a sign of weakness.

Teach them to avoid negative, judgmental language like “I messed up” and “I failed.” Don’t you use it either.

Assign Household Chores from a Young Age

Doing chores around the house is an effective way of teaching a child independence. The child feels you trust them to carry out a task for the family and treat them as one of the team. This not only raises their self-esteem but prepares them for a lifetime of contribution to whatever group they join. Not to mention it teaches them practical life skills – and gives you one less thing to do!

Assign tasks, and adjust them if necessary, based on the child’s age and physical and mental capabilities. For instance, your 5-year-old probably shouldn’t mow the lawn. But maybe they can pull weeds from the garden.

When it comes to children and chores, don’t expect perfection. And as much as you might want to jump in, don’t fix a less-than-perfect job unless the child asks for help. Instead, thank them for their effort when they’re done and gently advise how they can do it better next time.

Teach Them How to Make Decisions

Some decisions come naturally; if a lion rushes at us, we don’t have to think too hard about whether we should run away. But others take some thought; we’re not born knowing how to decide between doing homework and going out to play.

When your child has to make a hard decision, don’t make it for them – unless you need to keep them from harm — but “walk” them through the decision-making process. For instance, ask questions: What do you want to do? Why? What will happen if you do that? What if you do the other thing? How do you think you might feel when you make each decision? How do you think it might affect other people? Then, unless their decision might be harmful or illegal, let them make it and live with the consequences.

Take It Step by Step

The safest, most reliable way of teaching independence is to introduce it gradually – the way you introduced new foods to them when they were a baby. You give them a little more independence each time to see how they can handle it.

For instance, a preschooler could play alone in a secure area; check in periodically without them knowing you are nearby, and each day, add a minute or two to the time they are “alone.” Or you could leave a 10-year-old home alone while you leave the house for 10 minutes, then for 12 minutes and so on. Another idea, for a teenager with a curfew, is to add 30 minutes each week they consistently come home on time.

Whatever you do to teach your child how to stay home alone, be sure to take it gradually and carefully. Here are some tips:

Always do the test during daytime hours.
When starting to leave your child home alone, don’t go more than a block or two away.
Be sure they know how to summon help if needed.
When you return home, talk about how they felt and what they did while you were gone. Di they feel scared or anxious? Postpone the test until they’re a little older.

Knowing When to Let Go

It’s hard to let go – whether you’re a little one hanging on to the edge of the swimming pool or a parent letting your child walk into kindergarten without you for the first time. But at some point, everyone has to learn how to live independently. Teaching your child independence should begin early and often, so it becomes a lifelong skill in adulthood.

How can you help your child do better in school, fit in with others in their social group and be successful later in life? Make them do the dishes. Or cut the lawn, take care of family pets – any other household chore you assign them.

Parenting experts say household chores are one of the most essential development tools you can give your children. Doing chores teaches them to function as part of a team, which builds self-esteem from the satisfaction of being treated as a vital member of the family. Doing household chores also has practical benefits: The child learns skills they’ll need later in life, and you have a cleaner, more orderly home with less stress for everyone.

However, you can’t just start assigning chores without a plan, and you need to be fair and practical in managing it. The easiest way to make sure everyone has the right tasks and no one has more than others is to do a schedule to assign chores. A schedule also is a simple way to make sure everyone is doing their job.

Before discussing how to create your family’s chore schedule, let’s look at why it’s essential to have children do household chores and how you can get them to do them without too much struggle.

Why Chores Are Important for Children

Parenting experts agree that children who do chores grow up to become more independent, responsible adults. Michigan State University Extension cites a Harvard study naming chores as one of several factors predicting health and well-being later in life. A University of Minnesota study revealed the same benefit.

How can setting the table or cleaning the bathroom help a child succeed as an adult? It works in three ways:

It Teaches a Mindset of Helping

In How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims asserts that chores build responsibility, autonomy and perseverance. “When young people have been expected to roll up their sleeves and pitch in, and to ask how they can contribute to the household, it leads to a mindset of pitching in in other settings, such as the workplace,” writes Lythcott-Haims, former dean of freshmen and undergraduate advising at Stanford University. Furthermore, she says, not giving them chores “deprives them of the satisfaction of applying their effort to a task and accomplishing it.”

This helps the child develop a positive self-image, which is essential to success.

It Builds Self-Esteem

“Responsibilities can make children and adolescents feel special,” explains Eugene V. Beresin, M.D., professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, writing in Psychology Today. “When they succeed in mastering more responsibilities, they not only feel that they can do what adults or older siblings do, but earn respect and validation for their competence . . . Tackling responsibilities helps kids feel that they are growing up. They are fulfilling an intrinsic desire and drive to become independent, autonomous individuals. In addition, they enjoy the pleasure and great satisfaction in taking care of themselves and others.”

Much of the child’s positive self-esteem comes from being taken seriously as a contributing member of the team.

It Strengthens Connection to the Family

If everyone in the household shares in the workload, they will start to become a stronger team. When children are given chores, they “begin to see themselves as important contributors to the family. They feel a connection to the family,” the Center for Parenting Education advises. “Holding them accountable for their chores can increase a sense of themselves as responsible and actually make them more responsible. Children will feel more capable for having met their obligations and completed their tasks.”

Children also get a practical benefit from doing chores that pays off later in life: They learn how to take care of themselves.

It Teaches Life Skills

You wouldn’t send your child to school without teaching them how to tie their shoes or button their coat. Why let them leave home without knowing how to do their own laundry? If they share their home with a roommate, will that person be willing to do all the household tasks? Probably not. Knowing how to do their share of household tasks is a skill your child must learn to succeed in life, just as they must learn how to read and do math to succeed in school.

All these things are true and make a lot of sense – to us, the adults. Children usually need a little more convincing. The older they are when you start assigning them chores, the harder it is. Understanding why they resist doing chores can help you overcome their resistance.

Why Kids Resist Doing Chores

It’s not hard to understand why. Children resist doing chores because of the way they think:

Today Matters, Not Tomorrow

The average 7-year-old has no idea about the future beyond the next school vacation. Tell them you want them to get along with a roommate after they move out of the house, and you might as well be telling them a fairy tale.

It’s All About Them

Yes, they do like being considered an essential part of the family. But they won’t realize that until they start contributing and feeling the pleasure. Until then, spending the day playing video games in their room is just fine, thanks.

Chores Are Just Not Fun

Admit it. You don’t like emptying the dishwasher or washing windows either. But you do those things because they have to be done. Children don’t think that way – yet. It’s your job to change your child’s thinking.

If your child resists doing chores, you’re not going to change their mind with logic or by telling them of all the benefits they’ll get. None of those things matter to them. Doing a schedule to assign chores will help them to choose to cooperate.

Doing a Schedule to Assign Chores

Here’s how to create a schedule of chores for kids to do around the house. It should be fair and realistic and should enable everyone to do their share:

1. Decide Whether You’ll Pay for Chores

Some parenting experts advise against paying children to do chores or withholding allowance if they don’t do them. They argue that chores should be considered a simple obligation that every household member must fulfill to keep the team functioning. Others say payment teaches children that work has value and no one should work for free. It’s up to you whether to pay. However, be sure to stick to whatever decision you make.

2. List the Chores You Want Done

This will be related to your children’s ages. Children under 5 can probably set the table or empty wastebaskets but save things like cutting the grass and cleaning the bathroom for kids over 10. For children who can’t read, use stickers or draw a picture of the chore – use an image of a puppy to depict feeding the dog, for instance.

3. Make a Weekly Chore Chart

There are many ways to set up your chart; google “family chore chart” and you’ll see some examples. One format is a grid with family members’ names and the days of the week across the top, with the chores running down the side.

If your children are small, make the schedule as appealing as possible. Use bright colors, glitter or anything you think might draw your child’s eye to it. You could even have them help you create it. If you are dealing with teenagers, make sure they are clear on what they need to do. Have them program their task list on their phone, so they won’t forget it.

4. Involve Everyone in the Chore Assignments

Gather everyone together and tell them you’ll be deciding as a family who does what each week. Ask each person what chores they want to do. (Don’t ask what they don’t want to do.) If several family members want the same task, take the opportunity to teach negotiation. Try to let the competing children work this out for themselves.

5. Check Off Completed Tasks

Include space on the chart to check off completion. This provides both recognition and accountability.

Tips for Kids and Chores

Make your chore list as fun as possible; it shouldn’t be a chore to decide what chores get done!
Even though you’re involving everyone in the assignments, remember that you are the final authority. If your family is a team, you’re the coach, and you have the final say on what gets done.
Change the assignments each week, or at least each month.
Expect imperfection, at least at first. If your child hasn’t completed a task exactly the way you want it, resist the urge to jump in and do it yourself. But do let the child know how to do it better next time.

The most important consideration is this: If you want your child to contribute to Team Family, you have to contribute to the team as well. Parenting is often a matter of modeling positive behavior; if your child sees you contributing, they’ll realize that no one is above doing household chores. If you want your children to participate without complaining, you have to do your assignments the same way.

Making sure your children do chores will take some work, but the reward will be capable, successful children – and a home that’s clean (or clean enough).

For more help with effective parenting skills to strengthen your family relationships, visit Be Strong International or call 305-969-7829.

Fighting in Front of the Children Creates Insecurity

Home should be a safe haven for those living in it – a place where everyone gets along, finds refuge for the pressures of the outside world and is accepted by people who love them. Children should look forward to coming home to a happy, loving place. But if their parents are always fighting in front of them, home becomes an uncomfortable place – even an unsafe one. If you and your partner or spouse find yourself arguing in front of your children, consider all the ways this could be harmful to them and learn how to change your behavior for your family’s sake.

The Importance of a Stable Home Environment

Having a stable home for your children will help them prepare them for their own adulthood. Children model their parents’ behavior, using their parents as guides for the right way to behave. To learn how to resolve disagreements rationally, they need to see the adults in their lives acting working out their differences in a calm, rational manner. If they don’t see you behaving this way, they won’t know how to disagree with someone in a mature way.

A stable home environment also boosts children’s self-esteem. If they live in a loving, orderly home, they will feel safe and confident. The home might not be fancy and they might not have the latest gadgets and toys that “all the other kids” have, but they know they don’t have to worry that their parents will suddenly start yelling at each other and shattering the peace.

Finally, children have a way of blaming themselves for their parents’ mistakes. Just as children of divorce often worry that they caused their parents to split up, they may worry that their parents are fighting because of something they did. If their home is never at peace, they might wonder if they simply don’t deserve a happy home.

Effects of Parents Arguing in Front of Their Child

If you’re used to fighting with your partner, it may be easy to tell yourself that it doesn’t matter. You fought, forgave each other and moved on. But it’s not that easy for children. They don’t understand there’s a small amount of friction in every relationship, so they tend to see disaster in the slightest disturbance. When you argue in front of them and they don’t see you forgive each other later, you could be setting them up for problems now and later in life.

Before getting into that, let’s be clear about what we mean by “arguing.” An argument can just be a difference of opinion and it can be rational and calm. When the difference of opinion turns into a shouting match, which often happens when the subject is emotional, that’s when the problems start – and can continue. Developmental psychologist Diana Divecha, Ph.D., cites a 2002 study which found that adults who had grown up in homes with “high levels of conflict” had more physical, emotional and social problems. These included substance-use disorders, loneliness and problems with intimacy.

5 Ways Fighting Can Hurt Your Kids

By Causing Emotional Distress

It’s not hard to understand. If two people you loved and had control over your life spent all their time yelling at each other, even hitting each other, how would you feel? Seeing parents physically fight in front of them can cause great emotional distress for children that stays with them into adulthood. Your child

By Lowering Their Self-Esteem

Children can blame themselves for not helping their parents get along better or even for causing the conflict. This can cause the child to feel shame and to develop a poor self-image.

By Impairing Their School Performance

When parents fight often, the child may begin to have difficulty focusing on schoolwork; they may be fearful and uncertain. School becomes the least of their concerns and their performance can suffer.

By Making Them More Aggressive

Children use their parents as role models for adult behavior, so if fighting is the only strategy they see their parents use in a disagreement, they may come to believe it is the only strategy anyone uses to settle disagreements. They could end up failing to develop fulfilling long-term relationships, especially romantic ones.

By Causing Health Problems

Children who see their parents fighting regularly may become anxious and fearful and may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms. They might start overeating for comfort, or they might stop eating – using an eating disorder as a way of distracting their parents from their fighting.

Signs That Your Fights Are Hurting Your Child

Even if your fighting is causing one or more of these effects, you may notice at first. A child’s behavior often changes too slowly for the patrent to notice day by day – especially if the parent is fighting with their partner and not paying attention to the child.

But there are immediate signs to watch for. Think of the last time you fought with your partner in front of your child, and look for some telltale signs that your fights are causing problems for your child.

The kids start crying or doing something to distract you.
They’ll shut down and become completely silent.
They look frightened and suddenly run out of the room.

Signs of long-term behavior problems include:

Inability to make friends; often called anti-social.
Tendency to bully other children or physically fight with them.
Tendency to shoulder blame for the parents’ fights.
Showing signs of depression.
Performs poorly in school and has no interest in extracurricular activities they once enjoyed.
Preference for being away from parents.
Sudden, unexplained physical ailments such as headaches and stomach aches. (Don’t ignore physical illness without consulting a physician, but consider that this could be a symptom of unhappiness over your fighting.)

As you can see, fighting in front of your children can cause great damage. Even if you don’t get emotional and shout at each other, frequent disagreements can make your children feel uncertain and anxious. They will wonder if you ever agree on anything!

It’s not always easy, but it’s essential to keep your disagreements away from your children. Set up some guidelines for yourself, and you will be better able to avoid fighting in front of them.

How to Keep from Fighting in Front of Your Children

A good strategy is to set a time for fighting. If a disagreement comes up, agree to wait until the kids are asleep or out of the house. Use the time to write down the points you want to make in your disagreement to stay rational and limit the time you spend arguing.

When you feel a disagreement starting, be aware of your children’s presence. If they start looking uncomfortable, take extra care to stop and agree to wait until later.

Be extra careful not to argue about the children in front of them. Suppose you disagree about things like household rules, how to discipline the children or other issues. In that case, you must come to an agreement away from the children’s hearing. It’s essential to present a united front regarding matters directly affecting your children; don’t even hint that you are not together on any of those concerns.

These guidelines will help you avoid fighting in front of the children. Still, eventually, an argument will arise and you will forget to follow them. There may be an issue that is so emotional, you just won’t be able to put it off. When that happens, go to your children when the argument is over and explain that adults sometimes have disagreements. Sometimes they get emotional, but it doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Tell them they had nothing to do with the fight, especially if you were fighting about them.

This reassurance is essential but remember that actions always speak louder than words. Make an extra effort to keep from fighting in front of your children to protect their self-esteem and build a healthy family dynamic. To receive more guidance on improving your family communication or other parenting issues, visit Be Strong International and contact us so we can help you get started today.

If you have kids, you know how tough it is to start the day even when there are no problems. You have to get everyone dressed, fed and out the door in time to make it to school or work with everything they need. Coming home in the evening can be even worse, depending on after-school activities and what your workday has been like.

To reduce this stress, you can prepare for the day by getting everything ready the night before. But there’s more to it than writing a to-do list. The most effective preparation begins years earlier, with teaching your children to be independent. Here’s how you can do it and get the most benefit.

Sources of Family Stress

Stress is a big part of life for today’s American family. Even healthy ones have to cope with many kinds of stress, from financial worries to social concerns. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), 73% of parents reported family responsibilities were a significant source of stress. Most parents who responded said they didn’t think their children noticed their stress. On the contrary, only 14% of tweens and teens reported that they are not bothered when their parent is stressed.

Add these worries to the everyday morning chaos of a typical American family, and you have a perfect storm of stress. The morning can quickly turn into a disaster when children refuse to get up on time, ask for help getting dressed or insist on doing homework they didn’t finish the night before. The stress builds on itself until everyone is anxious and upset.

You can prevent a lot of this with a morning routine, which can reduce anxiety and stress, according to The Huffington Post. But the most effective planning techniques should start long before then. Begin teaching your child to be independent as soon as they are ready. They can take some of the morning and evening responsibilities off your shoulders. More importantly, they will be less demanding because they are more confident about managing their own needs.

Why You Must Teach Your Children Independence

It’s the parent’s job to teach children the life skills they need in adulthood. From tying their shoes to spending their allowance wisely, the things you teach them today will enable them to live as adults. These skills are all about one thing: independence. One day they will leave you to start their own lives. You aren’t just teaching them to save their allowance when they’re young; you’re teaching them how to pay their bills when they’re grown.

This means that independence is a habit that the child must learn and practice over many years. You cannot do everything for them for their first 18 years and then turn them loose with a “Good luck!” You must begin with small tasks over many years and build up to bigger, more important ones as they get older. And the more independent they become through the skills you teach them today, the more confident they will be when they have to learn new skills independently.

How to Teach Your Child Independence

Independence is not a skill your children learn consciously. You don’t give them “independence lessons” in the way you sit down with them and teach them how to write their name or do a math problem. It’s a day-by-day, moment-by-moment process.

Here are some ways to start teaching your child independence:

Talk to Your Child About Taking Responsibility

Before assigning chores or anything else, sit down and explain the need for your child to do their share as a member of the family. Talk about how everyone contributes something and needs to support the rest of the family by pitching in.

This talk will prepare your child for independence by making them feel important. Everyone likes to be told that they matter, and children especially like to feel like they’re part of a team pulling together.

Give Your Child a Day-to-Day Routine

Sit down with your child and make two lists of daily tasks, one for morning and one for evening. Include personal tasks like brushing their teeth and packing up their homework. Assign them household chores as well.

Tailor the list for the child’s age; if they can’t read, use pictures. Don’t expect a 5-year-old to put away dishes in high cabinets, but maybe they can take care of putting cutlery into drawers.

Include a space for checking off when the task is complete, either with stickers or your initials.

Be sure your child agrees to the tasks on each list. Decide together what consequences the child will have to experience if they leave something undone. If you want to offer a reward for completing the tasks, decide what it will be before the child begins using the list.

For other tips, see “Chores and Kids” from The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.

Teach Your Child Financial Independence

No matter how little money the child has, they can learn how to handle it responsibility. This will not only get them into the habit of saving and spending wisely, buit it will also help them learn about delaying gratification – always an important skill.

Family experts are still debating whether parents should pay children to do chores. Some argue that it encourages “entrepreneurial spirit” when the child realizes they can make more money by doing more work. They also point out that adults don’t work without pay, so why should children?

Others say children should simply do chores as a member of the family. You don’t get paid to mow the lawn; why should your child? This side of the debate says that children should receive an allowance as a means of teaching them money management skills.

This debate is just one challenge of the many delicate aspects of financial literacy. For help teaching your children about basic money management, consider joining Be Strong International’s Strong Money Mentality for Youth workshops. We also offer Strong Money Mentality for Adults.

Encourage Your Child to Be Confident

This is an important part of teaching your child to be independent. If they do not feel confident, they may hesitate about learning what you want to teach them.

First, be sure you’re giving them tasks they can handle. Asking a 7-year-old to cook dinner is sure to result in a spoiled dinner and a 7-year-old who feels incompetent. But that child can probably set the table or toss the salad.

When the child does complete a task, praise them and thank them. Do this even if they haven’t completed it perfectly. Don’t give them fake praise but find something good to say. If they tried hard, praise them for the effort. If they failed because of something beyond their control, let them know you’re aware of the reason. “I know you did your best. Thanks for trying. Next time you’ll do better” is both supportive and honest.

Preparing for the Day

Now that you’ve started teaching your child independence, here’s how to make it work. here’s how to make it work with a well-planned routine:

Make a Morning Organization Chart

Who’s clearing away the breakfast dishes? Who’s walking the dog? Put everyone’s responsibilities in writing so there’s no question who’s supposed to do what. Include yourself, for a greater sense that everyone’s in this together.

Allow Extra Time

Unless your family operates with military precision (and very few families do), you can’t structure every moment of every morning. Sdd in some extra time to allow for forgotten tasks, accidents and just plain dawdling. Trying to follow a minute-by-minute schedule will only add to your stress.

Set aside each evening for planning and preparation

Take five or ten minutes just before bedtime to update the schedule and be sure everyone is clear about what they’re supposed to do the next day. Ask about any events that will require changing the schedule.

Relax: Don’t Expect Perfection

When teaching your child to be independent, effort matters much more than results. If you gave to correct the mistake, praise the parts that worked and gently offer to help finish the job – but express confidence that they’ll do it better the next time. Before fixing anything, ask yourself if it really needs fixing or if you can live with it.

Prepare for the Unexpected

No matter how well you prepare, every day will have its own set of surprises. The only thing we can do is be as ready as possible before they happen. If you invest some time preparing for the day or days ahead, and if you teach your child to be responsible for making each day a success, you’ll save yourself a lot of stress and will be better able to enjoy the good things the day will bring.

Contact us today at BeStrong International to help guide you in creating better and more effective tools to manage you day, your stress, and your family life.

When you say “I love you” to your children, you’re using one of the most effective child-raising techniques available to you. It’s a relatively new approach. Your parents may have said it to you only rarely, if at all. Not saying the words doesn’t mean they were bad parents, just that they were part of a generation that didn’t realize how much it can build children’s self-esteem – and didn’t even know how important self-esteem is.

But today, we know that learning how to say “I love you” to your children can help them grow into confident, successful adults.

Building Self Esteem in Children

Research shows that children’s self-esteem is essential to their development. In an article at PositivePsychology.com, Dr. Jeremy Sutton, PhD, reports:

Self-esteem is crucial to children’s academic achievement, participation, engagement in activities, social relationships, and, ultimately, their sense of wellbeing.

Children low in self-esteem tend to be shy and introverted, with self-imposed limitations and a fixed mindset. Those high in self-esteem are enthusiastic, active, feel a greater sense of worth, and, perhaps most importantly, feel comfortable with who they are . . . It follows that supporting a child as they grow and develop their self-esteem can improve their psychological wellbeing and what they get out of, and put into, life.

But how do you build a child’s self-esteem? Experts say it depends on various factors, including “liking ourselves and feeling capable,” writes Sherie Newman in “The Importance of Self-Esteem,” an article for the Child Development and Family Center at Northern Illinois University. Citing behavior expert Madelyn Swift, she writes, “It is important to build a child’s belief that they can handle their life and handle it well . . . Liking ourselves and feeling capable are the foundations on which emotional health rests.”

As Newman notes, our parenting style can have a profound effect on our children’s self-esteem.

Impact of Parenting Styles on a Child’s Self Esteem

In fact, “parental practices and styles . . . have a direct effect on a child’s adjustment and view of themselves,” writes Michele Reid, MA, a development consultant and founder of the Legacy Consulting Institute (LCI).

In an article at LCI, Reid writes that children of authoritarian parents tend to “show more signs of both anxiety and anger and [are] more likely to have lower self-esteem. They may show self-control around authority. However, they lack the self-regulation needed to successfully interact socially when the authority is not present to regulate or monitor for them.” Parents who exert their authority with tactics like spanking, yelling or grounding usually have children who “obey authority but are more aggressive as adolescence or adults and exhibit poor self-regulation,” she writes.

Another tactic she notes is “love withdraw,” the withholding of attention and communication. “The more use of such psychological control, the lower the child’s self-esteem.”

In contrast, she notes, “Studies show that parents that exhibit more warmth have children with greater self-esteem, higher academic success, and less [likelihood] to suffer from depression or delinquency. “

Saying “I Love You” to Your Children

You can see, then, how important it is to make your children feel loved.

But it’s more than simply saying the words, “I love you.” Showing love is a time when the expression “Actions speak louder than words” really means something. If you don’t back up your loving words with loving actions, they’re meaningless.

For children, love means caring about someone enough to spend time with them. As they grow older, they also begin to see it as a matter of trust and respect. If you love someone, you trust and respect them enough to make their own decisions, or at least to have a say in the decisions affecting them.

Ways to Say “I Love You” to Your Child

At Be Strong International, we’re constantly amazed at the power of those three words: I love you. You don’t even have to say the words for the message to come across. A gesture, a smile, a gentle squeeze of the hand are simple ways to show affection and make the child feel loved. You can also show them you love them by spending time with them in fun and thoughtful ways, especially if you give them some say in the activity.

Here are some ideas for showing your kids you love them. But it’s not what you do that matters. The important thing is that you show them you like them, you’re glad they’re here and, above all, you love them.

100 Ways to Show Your Child You Love Them

Cute Ways

Wake them up by singing “You Are My Sunshine”
Call them by a silly but affectionate name
For breakfast, make a heart-shaped pancake
Give them some of those candy Valentine hearts with funny puns about love
Write “I love you” in magnetic letters on your refrigerator.
Say it in pig Latin
Tell each other silly jokes
Surprise them with a candy bar or other treat during your grocery trip
Come up with a way of texting “I love you” that only the two of you understand
Go to lunch and take selfies together.

Time Together Ways

Play cards
See a movie they want to see
Binge-watch their favorite TV show
Play video games with them
Have a backward meal in their honor: Dessert first!
Have a spa day
Celebrate the school year’s end at an indoor playground
Go fishing
Make cookies
Pick them up early from school and do whatever they want
Cook together
Go shopping for something fun
Have a backyard picnic
Look at their baby pictures
Look at your baby pictures or wedding pictures
Take an afternoon off work and do whatever they want
Make pizza together
Take a bike ride in the neighborhood
Make a recording about the day they were born
Interview them about their favorite hobby
Teach them a card game
Have a scavenger hunt
Blindfold them and drive to a surprise fun spot
Have a backyard marshmallow roast
Have a water gunfight
Have them invite a friend for a sleepover
Play on the swings and slide at the local park
Play tag, hide & seek or a similar game
If you live near a train, ride it to the next town
Roast marshmallows over an outdoor fire or grill
Go out for coffee together
Have an ice cream social with their friends
Have a family spelling bee
Play Silent Sam – the first person to make the other one laugh wins
Play hide ’n seek – and don’t try to get found to get the game over with!
Tell knock-knock jokes to each other
Teach them some dances from your teen years
Hunt for seashells
On movie night, let them pick the movie
Take a nature hike together

Caring Ways

If they get an allowance, give them a bonus for no reason
At the pool, pay attention when they call to you to “Watch this!”
Referee the kids’ cannonball contest at the pool
At bedtime, talk about their day for five or ten minutes
Write “I love you” on a sticky note in one of their school textbooks
Tell them you’re proud of them
Apologize when you’re wrong
Forgive them when they’re wrong
With their teacher’s permission, bring a healthy but tasty snack for everyone in their class
Make a toast to them at dinner
Put a loving note in their lunchbox
Send an affectionate message in a meme or fun text message
If their friends are around, squeeze their hand discreetly instead of giving a hug
Let them pick out their lunchbox snacks
Thank them for doing their chores
Volunteer to read a story to their school or day-care class
Put away your phone and listen when they talk
Brag about them on social media
Make their favorite meal once a week
Put up their awards in a prominent place
Get a trophy case for their awards
Be available for homework help
Get involved in their school activities
Make sure to attend Parents Night at their school
Be generous when it’s your turn to bring snacks to a game
Set aside work when they want to play
Chaperone a school event
Post their good grades on social media
Ask for their opinion about something in the news
Listen when they come to you with a problem
Share one secret about yourself
Don’t make promises you can’t keep
Offer to speak at their school’s next Career Day
Help them practice their sport: Play catch, shag tennis balls or whatever they need
Be a chaperone on a field trip
Bring a special treat to their class party
Play cards
See a movie they want to see
Unplug from all your screens and just talk
Encourage them when they try something new
Bring a special treat to their class party
Unplug from all your screens and just talk
Encourage them when they try something new

Creative Ways

Frame their best artwork and hang it prominently
Video-call them next time you’re away
Take photos on a walk together and make an album of what you see
Open an Instagram account together
Make a TikTok video
Grow a flower or vegetable garden
Cook and eat the vegetables you’ve grown
Build sandcastles at the beach

Contact us today to see what program at BeStrong International would best fit your child’s needs and personality. We can’t wait to get in touch with you!

Why Children Need Family Problem Solving Skills

One of the most important skills for parents and children to learn is the art of solving their problems together. Being part of this process teaches children how to tackle challenges on their own when they need to. It benefits the parent-child relationship, builds children’s self-esteem and makes the whole family stronger. Learning and practicing the skill of family problem solving is essential for everyone’s success.

Children Learn What They See

When you teach your children how to solve problems, you’re giving them one of the most effective keys to success in life. As they grow, they’ll face many challenges and won’t always be able to call on you to help them. But remember that they’re going to model their behavior on yours. It’s how they learn what they need to know about living.

Ask yourself: How do I handle problems? Do I jump to the first solution that feels good, or do I think about my options and choose the most logical one? Do I break down and cry if the problem makes me feel frustrated, or do I approach it calmly? Do I try to go it alone, or ask friends or family for advice?

As you ask yourself these questions, keep in mind that your children will copy your problem-solving method because they will think it’s the right one.

Modeling Behavior

To model what really is the right way to solve problems, parents need to teach their children how to solve family problems together. This will focus the family on working on a common goal and it will teach children problem solving by modeling it in front of them.

But there is so much more to it. If we, as parents, allow every family member to voice their opinions when the family is solving a problem, we are sending a valuable message: I care about what you think and I need to hear your opinion before we try to solve the problem. This will benefit our relationship with our children by showing them that they can trust us to take care of them.

Telling children that we care what they think doesn’t mean automatically agreeing to what they’re proposing. It just tells them we’re willing to listen. The fact that we’re taking the time to listen to them tells them we take them seriously, which goes a long way in building trust.

Building Trust

Parents sometimes forget how important trust is to the health of their relationship with their children. But research tells us it’s essential. “The parent-child relationship is the first social relationship,” says Danielle Kaslow, Ph.D., in a 2008 study on caregiver-infant bonding, which the health-and-wellness website PsychCentral reported. “It teaches the child that he can communicate in order to get his needs met, which transfers to forming relationships later in life

Building trust as a parent is a lot like what happens at your job or in school. Think about your boss or, if you’re in school, your teacher. How do you feel when they ask your opinion about something? You probably feel respected and more likely to go along willingly with their decisions or to accept their instruction. If they seem to trust you, you trust them in turn.

What if they dismiss you and tell everyone that their ideas are the only ones worth considering? What if your boss or teacher simply said, “Because I told you so”? Parents do have to use that expression sometimes, depending on the age of the child and the kind of decision needed. But in a situation when everyone should have a say, how much would you trust someone who acts like a dictator?

Nurturing Family Relationships

Every relationship needs to be nurtured. We wouldn’t hang out with a friend who doesn’t listen to us or care what we think. If we ever feel uncomfortable with a friend, we can simply end the friendship. But we don’t have that option with our children and neither do they. Besides, we don’t want to end the relationship, even if we could. We love each other. We have to make the time to put in the work to strengthen our relationship with children. Teaching how to problem-solve as a family is a perfect opportunity to do it.

If we allow our children to participate in a family problem solving session, they will learn to approach problems like we do. They will begin to understand our point and will make decisions based on what they learned from us. The more you do it, the better you’ll get at it – and the closer you’ll be drawing your children to you.

Tips for Family Problem-Solving

When you bring the family together for problem solving, you may have to think about the issues a little differently. Be Strong International has many experienced staff members who can help you learn family problem solving skills. Meanwhile, try these ideas for more successful problem solving as a family.

Wait Until Everyone Is Calm

The more emotional and sensitive the problem is, the more important it is to be calm and rational when you talk about it. If your daughter has been breaking curfew on a regular basis, 2 a.m. is no time to discuss the problem. Meet in the morning when everyone is rested and in a more positive frame of mind.

Choose the Right Time and Place

Your home is the best place to meet. Everyone is comfortable there and you’ll have all the privacy you need. If you do decide to meet away from home, choose somewhere with as few distractions as possible and make your discussion the main point of the outing. Don’t go to a baseball game and then announce you’re going to talk about the need to cut back spending.

Set Ground Rules

Start the meeting by getting everyone to agree on how it will happen. Some common rules include:

Listen politely to what each person has to say. No interrupting, laughing or making faces.
If you’re speaking, respect everyone else’s time; don’t take over the conversation.
Don’t point fingers or blame other family members for the problem.
Accept responsibility if you are contributing to the problem.

Identify the Problem

State the issue as you understand it. Stick to the facts; focus on behavior, not feelings. Facts: “There are dirty dishes piling up and the grass is getting overgrown.” Feelings: “You guys aren’t doing your chores, which is very irresponsible and disrespectful.”

Give Everyone Their Say

Make sure all family members are able to express themselves and speak freely, as long as they follow the ground rules. When they do speak, don’t dismiss their statement. Have everyone hold their responses until all family members have spoken.

Be Willing to Be Wrong

You’re not always right just because you’re the parent. Maybe you really aren’t being fair in the way you assign household chores. Maybe you’re the only one who wants to go to Las Vegas for vacation. If you truly are wrong and are willing to admit it, you will take an enormous step in building trust with your children.

No Solution? Take a Break

You can’t always solve a problem in one session. Bigger problems may take several sessions, especially if your family is new to this problem solving method. With an emotional issue, expect some emotional reactions. If you do reach a stalemate – or if someone gets upset and runs off – be willing to adjourn the meeting and try again at another time.

Get Everyone’s Agreement

Don’t leave the table without everyone’s agreement to whatever decision your family has made, even if it’s just a decision to adjourn and come back later. If you come to a solution, be sure that it’s acceptable to everyone. If most family members agree but one or two resist the agreed solution, ask them to “just try it for now.” Plan to come back in a week or a month to assess the solution and see if it needs revision.

Make a Plan

Once you have a solution, make a plan for putting it into action. Be sure everyone knows their part in achieving success. Be specific and make sure the plan is measurable. “Dishwashing duty starts no more than 10 minutes after the table is cleared” is measurable; “Everyone will do the dishes faster” is not.

Close on a Positive Note

Even if you haven’t solved the problem, be supportive and optimistic. You can thank family members for being present, for being cooperative or for doing their best to contribute helpful ideas. If no one broke down crying and ran from the room, maybe that’s a big success for your family! If you did solve the problem, tell them you’re happy that everyone came together and came up with a great solution.

Try This Sensible Problem Solving Method

When you asked yourself about your problem-solving method, what did you discover? Do you tend to be calm and rational or stressed-out and emotional? A family problem-solving session may finally be the motivation you need to tackle issues in a calmer, more rational way. After all, if you want your children to approach problems in a productive way, you have to show them how.

For more help with problem solving or other ways to strengthen your family relationships, contact us at Be Strong International.

Do you want to see good behavior in your child? Encourage good behavior when you see it. Researchers tell us that children look to their parents to figure out how to behave. Telling your child what you like to see them do will make them more likely to keep doing the good things. It’s even better to imitate them when they behave well. It sends the strongest, clearest message about what you want to see.

Parents’ Influence on Children’s Behavior

According to researchers, parents have a strong influence on their children’s behavior. Children behave like their parents, so it’s important to behave the way you want them to behave. One study found that imitation is so important in effective learning that children will “over-imitate” their parents’ behavior. They’ll copy a task exactly as they observe it, even if some steps in the task are unnecessary or have nothing to do with the task.

However, it’s not enough to tell children what you want. Imitating the behavior you want is the best way to get them to display it.

To explore this, researcher Albert Bandura conducted a series of studies in which some children watched adults treat a doll kindly. Other children watched adults hit the doll with a hammer. Each group of children behaved the way they had seen the adults do. This led Bandura to theorize that children learn their behaviors from what they see others in their environment do.

Even more interesting, this “social learning” doesn’t just involve the child imitating the parent. It’s also effective when the parent imitates the child.

“Any behavior you imitate is likely to be repeated by your child,” the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) advises in its tips for parents of toddlers and preschoolers. “When you imitate your child’s play, you show her you are paying attention and like what she is doing. Imitation can help a child feel good about herself and gives you a lot of chances to give positive attention.”

Reward Good Behavior with Praise

Praise and Imitate the Behavior You Want to See Your Child Repeat

To build those desirable behaviors, parents should “embrace praise,” the American Psychological Association (APA) advises. Giving attention to a behavior encourages the child to repeat the behavior. But that includes both desirable and undesirable actions. It’s best to call attention to good behavior rather than to point out the bad.

“When it comes to nagging, reprimand and other forms of punishment, the more you do it, the more likely you are not going to get the behavior you want,” says Alan E. Kazdin, PhD, a psychology professor at Yale University and former APA president “A better way to get children to clean their room or do their homework, for example, is to model the behavior yourself, encourage it and praise it when you see it.”

Best Ways to Praise Your Child

In praising your child, remember that praise is most effective when it is specific and focuses on the behavior rather than on the child. Here are two forms of praise that experts say work best:

Labeled Praise

According to experts, “labeled praise” is a positive statement that says exactly what you liked about their behavior. If the child is sitting quietly, don’t praise them for “being good.” This might make them feel good but it doesn’t give them any real guidance.

Instead, say something like “I really like how quietly you’re sitting in your chair.” This tells the child exactly what they’re doing right so they can repeat the good behavior. It also keeps the focus on the behavior rather than on the child.

In the same way, calling out a bad behavior will reinforce the action in the child’s mind — but be careful how you do it. Don’t get angry or raise your voice but point out why it’s not acceptable. By ignoring misbehavior, you risk implying that it’s OK.

Description

Another way to call out good behavior is to describe what your child is doing right. The technique not only praises the behavior but also build’s the child’s self-esteem. It shows them you are interested and giving them your full attention. The CDC compares description to a sportscaster’s play-by-play. It might go something like this:

“You’re looking at all the pieces and trying to decide which one you want. Oh, you decided to put a green cowboy hat on the potato. Nice job getting the hat on. Now he has a mustache. You picked the green glasses that match the green hat. Those glasses are tough to put on, and I like how hard you are trying. I am glad you stuck with it and you got those glasses on his face.”

Child Cognitive Development

According to development experts, your child will probably start picking up on your behavioral cues at around their first birthday. They’ll stop mimicking you just to copy you and will start imitating you to learn how to behave.

This means you should start modeling the behavior you want at about the same time. Some experts recommend using a learning video for kids, which shows them the behavior you want to them to display. But video is most effective for preschoolers (ages 3-6). Don’t use it as your primary tool, but as reinforcement or to show more people displaying the desired behavior. Your own personal imitation is still the best way to teach your child.

Getting Children to Behave

Getting Children to Behave Keep in mind that part of modeling behavior is teaching the consequences for children’s behavior. When children see a behavior punished or rewarded, they learn to act in a way that will either reward them or prevent the punishment. That’s why it’s important not to protect children from the consequences of undesirable behavior.

When it comes to getting children to behave, your best tool is consistency. If you reward and punish inconsistently, your child will not know how to behave. Worse, the child can become anxious and uncertain, and will only learn they cannot trust their parent to teach them the behaviors they need to know.

On the other hand, if you praise your child consistently for the behaviors you want to see and show them what you mean by displaying the behavior yourself. Reinforce their good behavior by imitating it yourself. It’s one of the most important strategies you can use for raising happy, confident children.