Children love electronic devices. A lot of adults do, too. Smartphones, tablets, computers and TV bring us music and video games and connect us with people and events close by and around the world. But children need guidance in electronic use, just as they do with other aspects of life. Parents must monitor children’s screen time to make sure electronics aren’t taking over their lives. Once you understand the risks of overexposure to electronics, you’ll want to take an active role in how much and how your child uses these devices.

Protect Your Child by Monitoring Screen Time 

Why should you be concerned about your children’s screen time? Researchers have found many reasons parents should be aware of what their children see on their screens. They should know whom their children are interacting with and whether they’re exposed to questionable content. 

Overuse can lead to physical problems like vision disorders. In addition, while social media can be fun and engaging, it can also hurt your child’s ability to connect on a personal level. It can also subject your child to cyberbullying, which has become a significant concern in recent years.

If these issues already worry you, researchers have also found that you’re far from alone.

How Much Time Do Kids Spend on Screens?

In fact, most parents feel guilty about how much time their children spend on electronic screens, according to a study conducted with Google Surveys. More than half of the responding parents said they felt very or somewhat guilty about their children’s screen time. No wonder: According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, children ages 8-12 spend an average of 4 to 6 hours a day on electronic screens while teens spend up to 9 hours. 

Usage is even higher among children in lower-income families. According to research reported by Statista, tweens whose families earned less than $35,000 a year spent an average of almost 6 hours a day on electronic devices. In comparison, children in households earning more than $100,000 spend about 4 hours a day on digital screens.

And the screen habit begins early, according to research reported in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Children start using digital media devices as young as 6 months old; by their teens, they’re spending almost 7 hours a day on social media, playing video games and watching TV and movies. Many children have their own devices by age 4 but have been using them far earlier – and are “media multitasking,” jumping between devices and between apps and websites on each device, by ages 3 to 5. In addition, researchers say many parents give electronic devices to keep them calm and at bedtime.

Can all this screen time be good for children? Not according to research by experts in child development.

When Kids Get Too Much Screen Time

​First, how much screen time is too much for children? The Mayo Clinic recommends no more than 1 hour a day of screen time for children ages 2-5. Those 6 and older, including teens, should be on screens no more than 2 hours a day, not counting educational use.

Consistently spending more time than that can lead to problems with these areas:

Eyes

The American Academy of Pediatrics warns of several vision problems. For example, a child who stares at the screen for an extended time without a break can suffer eye fatigue and headaches. This can also cause their eyes’ focusing system to malfunction, so when the child does look up from the screen, everything looks blurry. And because they’re probably not blinking as much, especially when playing video games, their eyes can get dry and irritated.

Spine and Neck

Sitting hunched over for hours, looking down at the phone or gaming device, can cause discomfort and even deformity. 

Social Development

The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) lists numerous emotional and social problems. For example, spending hours a day on digital screens can lead to sleep problems, poor school performance and isolation from friends and family. In addition, your child could be at risk of obesity from lack of physical exercise and the tendency to snack on convenience foods (healthy eating cuts into gaming or social media time). 

Exposure to Unhealthy Influences

Unrestricted digital media can also expose your child to unhealthy and even dangerous influences, the  AACAP warns. From websites showing inappropriate sexual content to “entertainment” sites that encourage risky stunts, your child could be learning about mature adult behavior long before it’s suitable. Other sites may expose your child to racism, bigotry and hatred, undermining your family’s beliefs. 

Another area of concern is cyberbullying, in which a child becomes the target of cruel texts and social media posts. This can do lasting damage to the child’s self-esteem. In a few rare cases, it has been known to lead to suicide.

Ways to Monitor Your Child’s Screen Time

Knowing all this, should you just gather up your child’s devices, throw them out and live an analog life? Of course not. Digital devices can be useful tools that educate, engage and connect us. They can have positive influences along with negative ones. They’re a permanent part of modern life; we have to learn to use them intelligently.

You can offer them alternatives to digital media – getting them away from the screen, out of the house and socializing with others their age, at least for a while. Be Strong International has several programs where children and teens can get together in a fun, friendly environment while also learning useful life and academic skills. 

But as much fun as we offer them, we know they’ll probably never give up digital media entirely. That means parents must monitor their digital screen time and know what their children are consuming. Here are some ways to do that:

Set Reasonable Limits

Decide how much time your child can spend using screens for recreational use. Be fair and realistic; don’t expect your teen to suddenly cut back from 8 to 2 hours a day on their smartphone. Make sure you leave time for homework, socializing with family and friends, and sleep. Be clear on what “educational use” means; it should be directly related to school assignments. If your child has a problem obeying digital limits, you may have to hold them in a safe place during off-limits times.

Create No-Technology Zones

You can make places and times of day off-limits to technology, like mealtime or when you’re in the car. Let everyone in the family know you want them to be present for each other. This can also get children in the habit of not texting while driving when they get older.

Use Parental Controls

If you’re worried about what your child is seeing or experiencing, install one of the many applications that can track their activity on social media, games and texting. Some will also block inappropriate content and let you set a time limit.  

Use Screen Time as a Reward

If you’re limiting your child’s screen time, give a one-time bonus as a reward for good behavior. For instance, you could give an extra hour for each “A” they get on a report card or if they do extra chores without being asked. Just don’t use it as a punishment, especially with teens; make it a tool for encouraging good behavior.

Be an Example

Are you texting in the car or at the dinner table? When you take the family to the beach or pool, do you check your email or visit websites on your phone? Children will follow your example more than they follow your words, so don’t expect them to limit their digital time if you can’t limit yours.

Take Regular Tech Breaks

Remind your child to give their body and brain a rest. Look up from the screen, set the phone down and move. The American Optometric Association calls it the 20/20/20 rule: Look away from the screen every 20 minutes, focus on an object at least 20 feet away, and do this for at least 20 seconds. Doctors also recommend getting up and moving for 10 minutes every hour. Set an alarm on their cellphone to enforce this. You can even get software programs that turn off the screen at regular intervals.

Get Regular Vision Screenings

Your child may not say anything if they’re having vision problems; they may not even realize they’re having them or think anything can be done. However, all children should have their vision checked regularly, especially if they log a lot of screen time.

Talk to Your Child

Being aware of the digital content your child is consuming will not only help you keep them from harm but can also help you connect with them. Show interest in how they’re spending their time online and share what you’ve been doing. Make sure they understand your values and encourage them to come to you to talk about anything disturbing or uncomfortable that they encounter. Let them know you’re here to listen and to answer their questions.

Monitor Screen Time for Happier, Healthier Children

Like anything else in a child’s life, digital media can be a force for good or a tool of destruction. The difference often comes down to moderation. Monitoring your child’s screen time and setting limits can help you to protect your child and keep digital media as the helpful resource it was meant to be. 

It’s essential to have friends in our lives. Some of us wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for our friends. They can be a source of support in times of need, making it a little easier to overcome life’s problems. 

Take a moment and think about your relationship with your best friend. How long did it take to develop to what it is today? What did they do to become your best friend? We have to allow our children to build healthy friendships. The trick is to start early and teach them that to have a good friend, they have to be a good friend.

It’s not as easy as it sounds, especially with older children. But, be Strong International’s parent-child communication workshops, Ready to Talk, can help you get started. Workshop topics include the importance of communicating about healthy relationships – which, experts say, can lay the foundation for success later in life.

How to Teach Your Child to Be a Good Friend

It might surprise you to think that your child needs your help making friends. Shouldn’t it come naturally? It does for some, but many children don’t know how to interact with their peers. This is often the case for only children or first-born children because they have no brothers or sisters to help them learn about getting along with other children. Some of them – maybe even your child – feel frustrated about this and act out by hitting or teasing other children. So, yes – they do need your help.

You can give them help in several ways. Techniques include modeling positive friendship, pointing out good examples and simply talking about relationships. Teaching your child about making friends will benefit them in many ways, both now as a child and later as an adult.

Why Children Need Friends

Research suggests that children who have friends are happier and more confident as they grow up and adulthood. “Some studies show that kids as young as kindergarteners know what it means to be lonely and to feel boredom and sadness,” writes Hansa D. Bhargava, M.D., in “Fit Kids: The Importance of Children’s Friendships” at WebMD. Lonely children can grow up to be lonely adults. 

The research confirms this, write Elian Fink and Claire Hughes in “Children’s Friendships” for The Psychologist:

“Some have even argued that without the opportunities friendships afford for collaboration and intimacy children would fail to develop the social skills necessary for later successful adult relationships. Indeed, there have been studies . . . linking having a good-quality friendship during one’s school years and later relationship quality. Clearly then important processes are at play when children interact with their friends that form a model for social interactions that span a lifetime.”

Child development experts warn parents not to confuse having friends with being popular. They’re not the same thing, says Kenneth Rubin, Ph.D., professor of human development at the University of Maryland and author of The Friendship Factor: Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World — and Why It Matters for Their Success and Happiness.

“Not every child has to be popular, nor can every child be popular,” Rubin writes. Popularity is often a temporary condition based on superficial factors. It’s more important for a child to learn how to build relationships that last than to work on getting people to like them at the moment. Learning how to build healthy relationships teaches them empathy and negotiating for what they want in a fair way that considers others’ needs.

Before talking to your child about friendship, it helps to understand friendship – good and bad – yourself. 

What Makes a Good Friend?

It’s not hard to understand. A good friend is simply “someone who cares about you for yourself, just the way you are,” mental health advocate Sarah Fader writes at Better Help, an e-counseling platform. Fader notes that some people want unique qualities in their friends, like sharing a sense of adventure or love of certain music or movies. But several qualities are universal, she writes:

• Trust: This doesn’t just mean they’ll keep your secrets, but that you can be yourself around them without being judged.
• Empathy: A good friend will be there to help when you have a problem. They will understand your feelings and will respond appropriately; they won’t laugh when you’re sad or get angry if you tell them you made a mistake.
• Give and Take: A good friendship goes two ways. One of you should not always be the one doing favors for the other or deciding what you will do together. If you cannot do something they ask, they will not get upset or break off the relationship.
• Boundaries: A true friend doesn’t ask you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable or that violate your ethics or morals.

If your friend doesn’t display one or more of these qualities, talk to them about it. A true friend will listen to your concerns and be willing to change. However, if they continue their behavior, you may be in what’s considered a toxic relationship. In this case, you may have no choice but to walk away from the relationship.

How to Walk Away from a Toxic Friendship

A friendship is toxic when one person routinely does things that hurt the other physically or emotionally. This can include anything from making fun of you in public or insisting that you do things that make you feel uncomfortable, to hitting or threatening to hit you. However, even when these things are happening, it can be hard to walk away from toxic friends. After all, you probably became friends because they made you feel good, and you want to keep seeing the good in them.

But now they just make you feel bad.

When you decide you’ve had enough, here’s how to end it:

• Plan a conversation in which you tell your friend how you feel. Don’t just ghost them; you’re just prolonging the agony.
• Choose a time and place where you will both be comfortable – not on a busy day or when you’re on your way somewhere else.
• Do set a time limit on your discussion. An hour or two should be enough. 
• Remind yourself that you don’t deserve your friend’s treatment and you didn’t do anything to cause it. 
• Be honest and factual. State that you want to end the friendship and explain why in a specific, non-judgmental manner. “When you laughed at me at dinner again, I felt humiliated,” not “You’re always so mean to me!”
• End the conversation when you choose. Don’t get drawn into an argument.

Teaching Your Child About Friendship

You can help your child avoid getting into toxic friendships by teaching them how to make good friends and be a good friend to others. Here are five ways to teach your child to learn how to be a good friend and build healthy relationships for life:

1. Be a Friendship Role Model

Children look to their parents to learn how they’re supposed to act in society. Choose your friends wisely and treat them kindly, and your child will be more likely to do the same with their friends,

2. Talk to Them About Friendship

If your family has moved into a new neighborhood or the children are starting at a new school, offer some suggestions on making friends. Ask what they plan to do and tell them how you make friends in a new place.

3. Help Them Meet Other Children

Make play dates with your friends’ children, if they’re around the same age as yours. Enroll them in after-school activities or community classes. But once you provide the opportunity, back off. Your job is not to make friends for them but opportunities to make friends on their own.

4. Teach Them It’s OK to Disagree with a Friend

Even friends fight with each other, and your child may think a fight means things are over. Make sure they know that friends can make up and resume their relationship. But make it clear that friends don’t have to fight; this is an excellent opportunity to talk about ways to negotiate and settle a disagreement without going away mad.

5. Praise the Good, Coach Away the Rest

Use praise and positive reinforcement when teaching your child to be a good friend.  “I love that you made sure John was invited to the party so he can make some new friends.” On the other hand, if you catch your child being less than a good friend, coach them subtly to change their behavior. “I was just wondering if you’re going to ask Todd to invite John to the party so he can meet new people and learn to fit in better.”

Teach Your Child to Be the Best Friend

The ability to make friends is a skill that your child will never stop benefiting from. Knowing how to keep their friends will be even more vital to their success in life.

For more help with communicating to your children or other ways to strengthen your family, contact Be Strong International today.

One of the primary goals for any parent should be to create a self-sufficient adult who can live independently with no supervision from their mom or dad. But independence is not a skill you can start teaching children in their last few years of adolescence; you can’t do everything for them until they become teenagers and then expect them to take care of themselves when they leave home. Instead, you must begin teaching your child independence early in their lives, as early as the toddler years. 

But, you may ask, isn’t parenting hard enough without fighting with my child about household chores or watching them struggle in their friendships? I just want someone to empty the dishwasher! 

Why We Need to Teach Children Independence

Yes, it’s easier in the moment to do your child’s work or solve their problems for them. If you handle everything, your silverware will sparkle and they’ll get into a top-notch college because of all the rewrites you did on their entrance essay. But what happens when they’re at that fancy college and have to write their own essays? 

In the long run, raising a dependent child can cause you to feel overwhelmed with stress. In addition, it can lower your child’s self-esteem because you seem to think they’re incapable of doing anything for themselves. Teaching independence will relieve the stress that both you and your child feel when they are totally dependent on you for everything.

Be Strong International’s workshops can help you learn strategies to foster independence in your children. Meanwhile, here’s a look at how you can reduce stress in your life by teaching your child independence. 

Why Is Parenting So Stressful?

Parents experience many different kinds of stress. First, we have to accomplish all the different tasks and chores for our children: getting them to school and picking them up on time, juggling schedules that get more and more crowded as the children grow, balancing everything with our own personal needs. Then, there’s all the worrying: whether the children are happy and well-adjusted; whether they’re performing well enough in school and are on track to get into a good college and get a good job. All this worry can lead to an absolutely overwhelmed feeling.

“Parenting stress,” says Gwen Dewar, Ph.D., “is the distress you experience when you feel you just can’t cope as a parent. The demands being placed on you are too high. You don’t have the resources to meet them.” The result: feeling stressed and overwhelmed.

Dewar adds, “If you’re feeling overwhelmed, that doesn’t mean you’re an inferior parent. You’ve just got too much on your plate. That’s important to remember, because feelings of inadequacy, defensiveness, guilt – these feelings make parenting stress worse.”

However, adults aren’t the only ones in the family who feel stressed and overwhelmed. Children feel stressed too, although their feelings come from different sources. It’s your job to teach them how to deal with these and other emotions in a healthy, positive way – one of the signs of a mature, independent adult.

What Kinds of Stress Do Children Feel?

Children can feel stress from two different sources: peers and adults. 

• Stress from Peers: Fears of not fitting in with other children can continue from childhood through adolescence, whether they worry about not performing on the playground or when peer pressure tempts them to try drugs, alcohol or sexual activity.
• Stress from Adults: Parents and teachers can unknowingly add excessive pressure to excel in school, including sports and extracurricular activities, to get into the “right” college and then get the “right” job. Babies and toddlers also feel stress the first few times their parents leave them; this is called separation anxiety, a reaction that usually fades away as the baby gets used to being apart from their parents.

How Children Respond to Stress

Like adults, children will respond to stress in negative or positive ways. For example, an even-tempered child may respond well to setbacks and criticism, which they will see as opportunities to improve. On the other hand, the easily frustrated child may lash out at others, throw tantrums, or even bully younger, weaker children when things don’t go their way.  Other symptoms of poor stress response include mood swings, sleep problems and regressive behaviors like thumb-sucking and bedwetting. In addition, they may show cognitive symptoms of stress, such as forgetfulness, constant worry, trouble focusing and near-constant pessimism.

The difference between these two children isn’t necessarily that they were “born that way.” Much of the first child’s success is simply due to their parents teaching them how to handle setbacks and problems in a healthy way. It also helps to let them know you expect them to manage their own affairs but are available for guidance.

How to Raise Independent Children

First, when we talk about independence, we’re talking about both functional and emotional independence.

Functional independence is the ability to call on life skills like money management and cooking to take care of yourself on your own. However, successfully putting these skills to work often depends on emotional independence: the ability to react in a mature, reasonable fashion that’s appropriate to the situation (neither throwing a tantrum over a slight disappointment nor laughing uncontrollably at a mildly funny joke).

You can help your child become both practically and emotionally independent by following these guidelines:

Let Them Make Mistakes

When they make a mistake, tell them it’s OK – that’s how we learn. Then, ask them to think back on what happened and why they chose to take action. Finally, talk about how they can keep from repeating the error. Be sure they know how important it is to ask for help when needed; it’s not a sign of weakness.

Teach them to avoid negative, judgmental language like “I messed up” and “I failed.” Don’t you use it either.

Assign Household Chores from a Young Age

Doing chores around the house is an effective way of teaching a child independence. The child feels you trust them to carry out a task for the family and treat them as one of the team. This not only raises their self-esteem but prepares them for a lifetime of contribution to whatever group they join. Not to mention it teaches them practical life skills – and gives you one less thing to do!

Assign tasks, and adjust them if necessary, based on the child’s age and physical and mental capabilities. For instance, your 5-year-old probably shouldn’t mow the lawn. But maybe they can pull weeds from the garden. 

When it comes to children and chores, don’t expect perfection. And as much as you might want to jump in, don’t fix a less-than-perfect job unless the child asks for help. Instead, thank them for their effort when they’re done and gently advise how they can do it better next time. 

Teach Them How to Make Decisions

Some decisions come naturally; if a lion rushes at us, we don’t have to think too hard about whether we should run away. But others take some thought; we’re not born knowing how to decide between doing homework and going out to play.

When your child has to make a hard decision, don’t make it for them – unless you need to keep them from harm — but “walk” them through the decision-making process. For instance, ask questions: What do you want to do? Why? What will happen if you do that? What if you do the other thing? How do you think you might feel when you make each decision? How do you think it might affect other people? Then, unless their decision might be harmful or illegal, let them make it and live with the consequences.

Take It Step by Step

The safest, most reliable way of teaching independence is to introduce it gradually – the way you introduced new foods to them when they were a baby. You give them a little more independence each time to see how they can handle it.

For instance, a preschooler could play alone in a secure area; check in periodically without them knowing you are nearby, and each day, add a minute or two to the time they are “alone.” Or you could leave a 10-year-old home alone while you leave the house for 10 minutes, then for 12 minutes and so on. Another idea, for a teenager with a curfew, is to add 30 minutes each week they consistently come home on time.

Whatever you do to teach your child how to stay home alone, be sure to take it gradually and carefully. Here are some tips:

• Always do the test during daytime hours.
• When starting to leave your child home alone, don’t go more than a block or two away. 
• Be sure they know how to summon help if needed.
• When you return home, talk about how they felt and what they did while you were gone. Di they feel scared or anxious? Postpone the test until they’re a little older.

Knowing When to Let Go

It’s hard to let go – whether you’re a little one hanging on to the edge of the swimming pool or a parent letting your child walk into kindergarten without you for the first time. But at some point, everyone has to learn how to live independently. Teaching your child independence should begin early and often, so it becomes a lifelong skill in adulthood.

On Sunday, July 11th, residents of South Florida were able to tune their radios in to 99 Jamz, as host Supa Cindy interviewed Be Strong International’s CEO, Michelle Shirley. Watch the video below!

You can also read the entire interview below!

Supa Cindy 

Good morning everybody. Welcome back to part two of Community Matters right here on 99 Jamz, Miami’s number one for Hip- Hop and R&B, home the Trick and Trina Morning Show.

Supa Cindy 

It’s your girl’s Supa Cindy, and right now, let me introduce my guest co-host, Dr. Delvena.

Dr. Delvena 

Hey, good morning Supa Cindy. Hey guys. This is Dr. Delvena, guest co-host on 99 Jamz Community Matters, where matters and the community matter. Hey guys, Happy Sunday again, and hey, Supa Cindy, this morning with us we have the CEO from Be Strong International. We have Mrs. Michelle Shirley, guys. You know that July is National Minority Mental Health Awareness Month. Being a psychiatrist, I’ll try not to make everything about the rain and everything about mental wellness. However, I’m going to tuck this in the category of mental wellness. What these folks are doing be strong international has partnered with Miami Dade County to implement project peace, peace stands for people engaged and advocating for community empowerment in the Gold’s community. Welcome to the show, CEO Shirley.

Michelle 

Hi, thank you so much for having me.

Dr. Delvena 

Absolutely. You’ve been the CEO for Be Strong International since 2012. But you’ve been involved with this nonprofit organization since 2006. Is that correct?

Michelle

Yes. Yes, ma’am.

Dr. Delvena 

All righty. And I see you’re a native you were born and raised here in Miami, Florida.

Michelle 

Yes, you right here in Miami Gardens. Yes, ma’am.

Dr. Delvena 

Okay, that’s what’s up. And so you’re the daughter of Jamaican parents who migrated to the United States in the late 1970s. And, and so I don’t want to make any assumptions, you know, what they say about making assumptions and assuming things. But I think that maybe based on your, your childhood and your timeline that you have a passion for what you do, because of your your own personal history. Is that safe to say?

Michelle 

Yes, yes. It’s been an amazing journey. And sometimes I think, as you know, you go through certain traumas and experiences, and you don’t realize how much it’s part of your destiny, and what you’re supposed to do later in life. And so, as my parents did get here, they did end up going through a divorce. And it was a bit a bit disturbing, as a young teen, going into high school going through that, but somehow just learning to you know, overcome those situations and became focused on school and really wanted to help people. And so that’s how my journey kind of started.

Dr. Delvena 

That’s very positive. And so you didn’t let that stop. You didn’t let it slow you down. Man, you went on to obtain your bachelor’s degree in business administration from UM. So, you’re what? Is that? You guys are?

Michelle 

Kanes

Dr. Delvena 

Thank you. I’m sorry. I’m from Maryland. And we used to be a competitor with UM, and we are actually UM, University of Maryland. We are the real UM. But okay.

Dr. Delvena 

Almost called you a Dolphin. I’m like, No, she’s not a Dolphin. That’s the NFL. But okay, back to the story here. So, you have your master’s degree in Health Services Administration from Barry University. And so you’re well-trained and well-equipped, not just personally but educationally to do the work that you’re doing with Be Strong. Tell us about Be Strong.

Michelle 

So Be Strong started, actually, in 1992 with a retired Miami Dade County Public School teacher. She saw a lot of young people just making really poor decisions concerning their lives, and she wanted to do something about it. She could relate to them because she was a teen mom at 15. And back then, it was really tabooed. You had to just leave school. She had to go to night school, get a GED. So she went through some struggles there. But by the time she became a teacher, she saw the same generational cycle of kids just making really poor decisions, not understanding what love looks like, not setting healthy boundaries for themselves, not having goals. So much so that she decided to start the organization. And so today, we’re here 30 years later because of her wonderful legacy. Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Delvena 

Let’s give her a name.

Michelle 

Ms. Althea McMillan. I’m sorry.

Dr. Delvena 

Yes, shout out to this former Miami Dade County Public School teacher, she was a teacher, man. She put her time in. She’s retired. She founded the organization in 1992. So you guys are providing resources to individuals from broken families, and offering a lot of programs online and also in person throughout South Florida.

Michelle 

Sure, there’s a vast myriad of programs. I mean, from a recent Marriage Matters program that we just got started. So those of the people that are listening online that might have gone through just marital issues, especially during the pandemic and what We’re coming out of and discovering a lot of things about your relationship because people were home. And they had to be forced, you know, kind of to see what’s happening in their relationships. That would be a great program and it’s online right now. And it’s open to anyone that’s in Miami Dade County, of course. That’s online.

Dr. Delvena 

So So listen, guys, hopefully you guys are listening to this interview on your 99 dams app this morning is very early. But I want you to multitask and go on the website. Go to bestrongintl.org. Be Strong, b-e-s-t-r-o-n-g-i-n-t-l.org and check out the staff. I mean, shout out to former educator Ms. Althea McMillan for just dreaming this vision and creating a dream that became a reality and growing this nonprofit. Folks who are in the nonprofit space, you know that it can be a challenging endeavor to initiate, to conceive a nonprofit, but to grow your nonprofit. When you go on the website, you’ll see this Michelle Shirley is there as the CEO, and Miss Shirley has 17 years of experience working in nonprofits and has led the team since 2012. And then you’ll see all of the folks that it takes to make this company this nonprofit run. They have administrative folks, finance, communications, business development, community outreach, data programs, development, youth facilitators, parents, facilitators, after school and marriage facilitators, as Miss Shirley was just indicating. So I want to ensure that we shine some light on one of the programs you have coming up very soon. You guys are doing something on Saturday, July 17. Tell us about that.

Michelle 

So Project P.E.A.C.E., our partnership with Miami-Dade County, has been absolutely amazing. We are there to really help the community know that we are there to give them the resources that they need so that their community, the community of Goulds actually can be strong. There’s a lot of crime, shootings, and things going on, and we want residents to feel equipped with the tools that they need to feel safe in their community. And so we’re having a Community Fun Fay. It’s July 17. It’ll be at Goulds Park from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. and we have the list of sponsors is amazing. We have the McGovern’s with the Sarah AB, Miami Dolphins Football Unites program the goals Walmart has supported us as well. But we also have school physicals as well as school vaccines mental health screenings from Banyon. We have ch is going to be there with their medical and dental band. So this is a time to come out and to get all of the things that you need for your kids the screenings that you need for your children don’t we have the technical bus coming from Miami-Dade library, psych solutions mental health, Miami-Dade County Department of Early Childhood to enroll in early childhood education Crimestoppers, Miami Dade Police Fire Department, catalyst also donated hurricane kits, there’s a lot of raffles and prizes that will be given out for even coming out. It’s just if you could repeat what you just said, I’m sorry. It’s an exciting time yet for us to be able to come out and for them to come out and for us to love on them and let them know that Miami Dade County is here along with be strong and many other partners to support them in goals.

Dr. Delvena 

Wow, that’s awesome. So for someone who’s listening, they’re like, do I live in goals? Because I’m like I said I’m not from here. So what are the boundaries? What What is the target area for the gold? Is it gold or Goulds?

Michelle 

Goulds right? Well, Goulds is off 216th Street, but we’re actually opening it up to everyone. So they can come out. At this point, we really want just people to know that the community is here for them. Communities like Goulds, Naranja, there’s some crime happening there that’s high in those neighborhoods. And so, anyone from Perrine, if you’re from south, I mean, if you want to come down from even South 152nd on down to 216th. You can just come out. Right now we’re not refusing anyone at this point.

Dr. Delvena 

Okay, So initially, the targeted area was the Goulds area, right. So I guess, Southwest 212 Street and in that vicinity.

Michelle 

Yes, yes, ma’am.

Dr. Delvena 

Okay, and so I understand how providing these resources will curb crime in the area. Have you guys seen during the last 30 years that there’s been a reduction of certain types of crime or crime overall?

Michelle 

Um, I think it’s it’s been off and on, I think what we’ve seen is there these hotspots where crime is is popping up. The Horseshoe area, particularly, there’s some hotspot crime areas going on. And so we’re hoping that with this Project [PEACE] with the county, we were recently awarded this this this grant award in May. But we want to make sure that we can do all that we can. So we have case managers that are coming out and visiting the homes and we’re calling all of the people in the residents that live in the schools area, to just let them know that we’re here and we’re offering whatever resources that they need to them so that they can thrive in their community as well.

Dr. Delvena 

Guys, if you’re just tuning in, this is Dr. Delvena, guest co-host with Supa Cindy on 99 Jamz Community Matters. And I’m talking with the CEO from Be Strong International, Miss Michelle Shirley. We’re talking about an upcoming event they have going on this coming Saturday, July 17, from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. Be Strong Inernational. They are striving since 1992 to curb crime and infuse hope for families who need it. They provide family and neighborhood empowerment sessions, case management educational workshops. And also you guys have free monthly drive thru food distributions at Goulds Park.

Michelle 

Yes, ma’am. Yes, we do. So up to 500 families, we can feed those distributions. Yep. And some of those people who are even elderly, they can come out if they just give us a call at the office, and they live in the ghouls area. They can call our offices and we can make sure that food is delivered to them as well during that food distribution time.

Dr. Delvena 

Wow, that is very impactful. I’m sure folks who follow the news, whether you follow it online, or you watch the news, or listen to the news, you’ve heard that there’s a food shortage out here. And so it’s unbelievable. Because Americans, we waste so much food we were so wasteful. And the fact that we waste so much food and there’s this food scarcity, this shortage, it just boggles my brain at times. So thank you for what you guys are doing to ensure especially that the elderly are being fed. And it sounds like the disabled anyone who’s not able to go and pick up food that you guys will deliver to them? Yes, when did the food distribution program began?

Michelle 

They started earlier. I believe that the county has been doing it with other [areas]. So Project PEACE isn’t just, wasn’t just in Goulds initially. They initially started in Liberty City with their Project. But it’s been happening for many, many months, every second Thursday of the month until September, we will be doing this this food distribution. And like I said, we just got awarded in May. But we’re happy to help the county with whatever they are planning to do to execute this process and make sure that residents are aware of of who we are and the services that we provide, especially the case management services.

Dr. Delvena 

Yeah. And we’re going to talk more about your programs and services. Right now you just mentioned Project PEACE. Project PEACE, this is in partnership with Miami-Dade County. P.E.A.C.E., guys, is an acronym. It stands for “People Engaged in Advocating for Community Empowerment.” It’s a six-month program that is aimed to build social and community cohesion. To reduce crime, that is the overall effort is to reduce crime in the community. So let’s see, you have programs for youth, parents, family and marriage, for community. I love talking about relationships and families. So let’s talk about Marriage Matters. That’s the program that you have for couples and families. Yes,

Michelle 

Yes. So it’s amazing. It’s an amazing program. We do want to make sure that couples that join the program, they initially they want to stay together but they need the resources on how they can either better communicate or just how to build that romance again, with so much that has happened, like I said over the pandemic and with the loss of life, as you see with COVID or even just different areas of the county with certain things going on, sort of side and so forth. You just there’s just a lot of stress. People are losing their jobs. And I think it takes a toll on marriages, especially when you have young children in the home and you’re just trying to process life so we’re here to help those couples and As well, they also get case management services to see what resources do they need apart from the educational aspect, so that they can thrive and that their marriage can be can be healthy. Okay?

Dr. Delvena 

Now, you guys listening, if you are interested in this program, it is free, totally free, F-R-E-E. It’s free, and so space is limited. And it looks like it’s a really good program. It’s an eight week, evidence-based program, evidence base. So this is a formal program. This is not just some person who’s talking to you and your wife, or you and your husband informally, about Oh, don’t curse and don’t shout at him or her. This is an evidence based program. So they’re coming with the real and they’re coming with a formal advice. It looks like you guys have program sessions that include keys to a sex, a successful relationship, Speaker listener communication skills, which we all know that communication is the number one reason why relationships do not work. People think it’s finances, but it’s really communication, lack of effective communication, knowing when to take time out, expressing appreciation, providing partner support. So you’ll receive all of those things, when you participate in this Marriage Matters. This eight week program, that’s awesome.

Michelle 

And we have gift cards, raffles for them. I mean, it’s an amazing. We have a midpoint celebration for them if they make it to the four weeks, which I went to the last one that they had, which was amazing. It was at an amazing ranch in Homestead. It was a very beautiful, romantic getaway. And they’ll graduate with other couples. And then there’s just sort of this sort of fellowship that happens as they get to meet other couples, too, that are part of the program.

Dr. Delvena 

Okay. There’s another program, you guys have this club Project Image. So these programs, these are ongoing all throughout the year. Is that is that true to stay?

Michelle 

Yes. So we have Project Image. We have Raising the B.A.R. We have Project H.O.P.E., so many different programs. It just all depends on you know who’s inquiring, and what it is that they’re specifically looking for. The leader of our Project Image, which is Mr. Auberry, he also runs Raising the B.A.R. And that’s a parenting program, in which. As a matter of fact, our most hot topic is “Parenting During the Pandemic.” So that is one of the biggest and most largest attended, you know, workshops that we have online. And parents really get to understand how do they navigate with their children through this? How are they going to make a schedule? How do they keep them on routine? How do they keep them engaged, especially with the virtual learning? And so as things open up, hopefully, parents are able to use a lot of the tools that they learned and to keep those routines going. But we also talk to them about raising resilient children, how to raise confident children. As you know, kids don’t come with a handbook. And so we are doing our best to let parents know that they can overcome those barriers that they’re feeling and the things that they’re going through. Someone s here to help and walk them through. And they can say, I’ve been there and I understand and again, all evidence-based curricula.

Dr. Delvena 

Okay. And it sounds like you guys are really addressing the root of a lot of problems in the community. It’s not enough to just say, Okay, let’s put a recreation center and this neighborhood or let’s give them you know, an extra $10,000 a month, you guys are making a very intentional effort at addressing the concerns that are at the base at the root of the issues that we have in our communities, you’re addressing parenting, you’re addressing the children also you’re addressing communication within the relationships because we know when mom and dad are getting along in the home or mom and mom or dad and dad are getting along in the home, children are happier, children are healthier, they’re not seeing the argument. So this is just a phenomenal thing that you guys are doing this. And I want folks to know Raising the BAR is also an acronym. It stands for “Budding Adult-Child Relationship.” So Be Strong, their parenting program is called Raising the BAR. And if this is something you’re interested in, please again, visit the website, which is BeStrongIntl, short for International bestrongintl.org. and you can go across the top and you’ll see a header that has programs and go down to parents so their programs are broken down based on age so there’s there’s youth programs, there’s parents, programs for parents as family and marriage and then there’s a community programs. We just spoke about be strong at the table project peace project image. We talked about the Marriage Matters. And now we’re talking about the Raising the BAR  Parent Alliance, the Raising the BAR program. So folks can register for Raising the BAR, I guess, year-round.

Michelle 

Yes. So we offer virtual workshops year round. We’re also having them too, if they went to the website, they can look and see when the next workshop would be on the events page or the calendar page. We also posted on Eventbrite as well so that people can see upcoming workshops, if they followed, Be Strong, definitely want to follow us on all of our social media pages so that they can see what’s going on with us and find out when the next event is, since we have so many departments doing so many things at once. We did also do, we just sort of wrapping up the documentary that we’re doing with Be Strong at the Table, and it’s talking, we call it “flavored talks.” That’s where we’re talking about sort of like the current events that have been happening to social injustice, the racial inequities with different people at the table, it could be a police officer, it could be at school teacher, it could be anybody, and just having those empathetic conversations about what’s really happening in our communities and bringing people together. We may not agree, but we can have a discussion about it. And we can agree to disagree, but get some understanding. So that’s Be Strong at the Table as well. And thanks to the Children’s Trust. They are the ones that gave us an Innovation Grant to start that program. So we’re excited to see what that will come out and look like the documentary at the end with a toolkit for other providers to use if they want to do the same thing.

Dr. Delvena 

Nice, very nice. We have a couple of minutes left, I just want to highlight your strong money mentality youth program. It’s a one of a kind financial literacy series for youth. And it’s important for folks to know that children are not getting the financial education that theyneed, and that they deserve. Only four states require high school students to take a course in personal finance. So you would think we should be more, you know, proactive and not reactive and start teaching these skills at a younger age.

Michelle 

Right. And the funny part is that we also have it for adults, because we realize that adults need these skills as well. And the interesting part, even with the young adult program, it’s really interesting because kids get to see, oh, money doesn’t really just appear, right? You’ve got to work for it. And by the time you get it, you’ve got to navigate through all of these needs versus wants, right? So kids get a simulated sort of life and then they get to figure out how do they shop or spend with the facilitators in the classroom, becoming the vendors and being the person that they have to either buy groceries from, who they have to pay for, for childcare, if they end up with a child based on their simulated life is really engaging and we love it. And when we’ve done it, even at community organizations or even faith-based entities, you can see parents looking at their kids and their kids looking at them saying, “Oh my gosh, mom or dad, I didn’t know how difficult this was and how much you have to figure out what to do with what you have left.” Right? What is it that you have left? if any? So it’s really good for the adults the same thing? What’s your relationship with money right? What happened in your past that is causing you to spend money the way you do? What traumatic experience what things you don’t really want to face? How do you feel about money because how you feel about money affects how you spend it and what you do with it and how you respect money so absolutely correct.

Dr. Delvena 

I love all of that you just said so well thank you so much for joining us give the folks the information again for Saturday July 17. Where What’s the address and things like that?

Michelle 

Okay, so the July 17 event is at Goulds Park and it is from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. and the address for Goulds Park is 11350 Southwest 216th Street. Again, that’s Goulds Park, but they can contact us as well if they want more information at 305-969-7829 extension 125 or they can email us projectpeace@bestrongintl.org.

Dr. Delvena 

Nice. Awesome. Thanks so much for coming on Chief Executive Officer Michelle Shirley.

Michelle 

Thank you so much, Dr. Thomas. You’re amazing.

Dr. Delvena 

Absolutely, thank you and guys remember go to the website bestrongintl.org, which is short for International, .org bestrongintl.org. Visit the website. Check these people out. This is a nonprofit that has been doing big things in the community. And it appears to be so organized and coordinated. Well, we can all learn a lesson and how these Folks are managing this nonprofit and I thank them for everything that they’re doing in the community. So listen, if you haven’t downloaded the 99 Jamz app, download it so you don’t have to get out of bed and go to your car or go find a radio to tune in to 99 Jamz Community Matters on every Sunday morning at 5 a.m. with Supa Cindy and me as your guest co-host, Dr. Delvena Thomas. Everyone have a fabulous, fabulous week. Thank you.

How can you help your child do better in school, fit in with others in their social group and be successful later in life? Make them do the dishes. Or cut the lawn, take care of family pets – any other household chore you assign them. 

Parenting experts say household chores are one of the most essential development tools you can give your children. Doing chores teaches them to function as part of a team, which builds self-esteem from the satisfaction of being treated as a vital member of the family. Doing household chores also has practical benefits: The child learns skills they’ll need later in life, and you have a cleaner, more orderly home with less stress for everyone.

However, you can’t just start assigning chores without a plan, and you need to be fair and practical in managing it. The easiest way to make sure everyone has the right tasks and no one has more than others is to do a schedule to assign chores. A schedule also is a simple way to make sure everyone is doing their job. 

Before discussing how to create your family’s chore schedule, let’s look at why it’s essential to have children do household chores and how you can get them to do them without too much struggle.  

Why Chores Are Important for Children

Parenting experts agree that children who do chores grow up to become more independent, responsible adults. Michigan State University Extension cites a Harvard study naming chores as one of several factors predicting health and well-being later in life. A University of Minnesota study revealed the same benefit. 

How can setting the table or cleaning the bathroom help a child succeed as an adult? It works in three ways:

It Teaches a Mindset of Helping

In How to Raise an Adult,  Julie Lythcott-Haims asserts that chores build responsibility, autonomy and perseverance. “When young people have been expected to roll up their sleeves and pitch in, and to ask how they can contribute to the household, it leads to a mindset of pitching in in other settings, such as the workplace,” writes Lythcott-Haims, former dean of freshmen and undergraduate advising at Stanford University. Furthermore, she says, not giving them chores “deprives them of the satisfaction of applying their effort to a task and accomplishing it.” 

This helps the child develop a positive self-image, which is essential to success.

It Builds Self-Esteem

“Responsibilities can make children and adolescents feel special,” explains Eugene V. Beresin, M.D., professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, writing in Psychology Today. “When they succeed in mastering more responsibilities, they not only feel that they can do what adults or older siblings do, but earn respect and validation for their competence . . . Tackling responsibilities helps kids feel that they are growing up. They are fulfilling an intrinsic desire and drive to become independent, autonomous individuals. In addition, they enjoy the pleasure and great satisfaction in taking care of themselves and others.”

Much of the child’s positive self-esteem comes from being taken seriously as a contributing member of the team.

It Strengthens Connection to the Family

If everyone in the household shares in the workload, they will start to become a stronger team. When children are given chores, they “begin to see themselves as important contributors to the family. They feel a connection to the family,” the Center for Parenting Education advises. “Holding them accountable for their chores can increase a sense of themselves as responsible and actually make them more responsible. Children will feel more capable for having met their obligations and completed their tasks.”

Children also get a practical benefit from doing chores that pays off later in life: They learn how to take care of themselves.

It Teaches Life Skills

You wouldn’t send your child to school without teaching them how to tie their shoes or button their coat. Why let them leave home without knowing how to do their own laundry? If they share their home with a roommate, will that person be willing to do all the household tasks? Probably not. Knowing how to do their share of household tasks is a skill your child must learn to succeed in life, just as they must learn how to read and do math to succeed in school.

All these things are true and make a lot of sense – to us, the adults. Children usually need a little more convincing. The older they are when you start assigning them chores, the harder it is. Understanding why they resist doing chores can help you overcome their resistance.

Why Kids Resist Doing Chores

It’s not hard to understand why. Children resist doing chores because of the way they think:

• Today Matters, Not Tomorrow

The average 7-year-old has no idea about the future beyond the next school vacation. Tell them you want them to get along with a roommate after they move out of the house, and you might as well be telling them a fairy tale.

• It’s All About Them

Yes, they do like being considered an essential part of the family. But they won’t realize that until they start contributing and feeling the pleasure. Until then, spending the day playing video games in their room is just fine, thanks.

• Chores Are Just Not Fun

Admit it. You don’t like emptying the dishwasher or washing windows either. But you do those things because they have to be done. Children don’t think that way – yet. It’s your job to change your child’s thinking.

If your child resists doing chores, you’re not going to change their mind with logic or by telling them of all the benefits they’ll get. None of those things matter to them. Doing a schedule to assign chores will help them to choose to cooperate.

Doing a Schedule to Assign Chores

Here’s how to create a schedule of chores for kids to do around the house. It should be fair and realistic and should enable everyone to do their share:

1. Decide Whether You’ll Pay for Chores

Some parenting experts advise against paying children to do chores or withholding allowance if they don’t do them. They argue that chores should be considered a simple obligation that every household member must fulfill to keep the team functioning. Others say payment teaches children that work has value and no one should work for free. It’s up to you whether to pay. However, be sure to stick to whatever decision you make.

2. List the Chores You Want Done

This will be related to your children’s ages. Children under 5 can probably set the table or empty wastebaskets but save things like cutting the grass and cleaning the bathroom for kids over 10. For children who can’t read, use stickers or draw a picture of the chore – use an image of a puppy to depict feeding the dog, for instance.

3. Make a Weekly Chore Chart

There are many ways to set up your chart; google “family chore chart” and you’ll see some examples. One format is a grid with family members’ names and the days of the week across the top, with the chores running down the side. 

If your children are small, make the schedule as appealing as possible. Use bright colors, glitter or anything you think might draw your child’s eye to it. You could even have them help you create it. If you are dealing with teenagers, make sure they are clear on what they need to do. Have them program their task list on their phone, so they won’t forget it.

4. Involve Everyone in the Chore Assignments

Gather everyone together and tell them you’ll be deciding as a family who does what each week. Ask each person what chores they want to do. (Don’t ask what they don’t want to do.) If several family members want the same task, take the opportunity to teach negotiation. Try to let the competing children work this out for themselves.

5. Check Off Completed Tasks

Include space on the chart to check off completion. This provides both recognition and accountability.

Tips for Kids and Chores

• Make your chore list as fun as possible; it shouldn’t be a chore to decide what chores get done! 
• Even though you’re involving everyone in the assignments, remember that you are the final authority. If your family is a team, you’re the coach, and you have the final say on what gets done.
• Change the assignments each week, or at least each month.
• Expect imperfection, at least at first. If your child hasn’t completed a task exactly the way you want it, resist the urge to jump in and do it yourself. But do let the child know how to do it better next time. 

The most important consideration is this: If you want your child to contribute to Team Family, you have to contribute to the team as well. Parenting is often a matter of modeling positive behavior; if your child sees you contributing, they’ll realize that no one is above doing household chores. If you want your children to participate without complaining, you have to do your assignments the same way. 

Making sure your children do chores will take some work, but the reward will be capable, successful children – and a home that’s clean (or clean enough).

For more help with effective parenting skills to strengthen your family relationships, visit Be Strong International or call 305-969-7829.

Fighting in Front of the Children Creates Insecurity

Home should be a safe haven for those living in it – a place where everyone gets along, finds refuge for the pressures of the outside world and is accepted by people who love them. Children should look forward to coming home to a happy, loving place. But if their parents are always fighting in front of them, home becomes an uncomfortable place – even an unsafe one. If you and your partner or spouse find yourself arguing in front of your children, consider all the ways this could be harmful to them and learn how to change your behavior for your family’s sake.

The Importance of a Stable Home Environment

Having a stable home for your children will help them prepare them for their own adulthood. Children model their parents’ behavior, using their parents as guides for the right way to behave. To learn how to resolve disagreements rationally, they need to see the adults in their lives acting working out their differences in a calm, rational manner. If they don’t see you behaving this way, they won’t know how to disagree with someone in a mature way. 

A stable home environment also boosts children’s self-esteem. If they live in a loving, orderly home, they will feel safe and confident. The home might not be fancy and they might not have the latest gadgets and toys that “all the other kids” have, but they know they don’t have to worry that their parents will suddenly start yelling at each other and shattering the peace.

Finally, children have a way of blaming themselves for their parents’ mistakes. Just as children of divorce often worry that they caused their parents to split up, they may worry that their parents are fighting because of something they did. If their home is never at peace, they might wonder if they simply don’t deserve a happy home.

Effects of Parents Arguing in Front of Their Child

If you’re used to fighting with your partner, it may be easy to tell yourself that it doesn’t matter. You fought, forgave each other and moved on. But it’s not that easy for children. They don’t understand there’s a small amount of friction in every relationship, so they tend to see disaster in the slightest disturbance. When you argue in front of them and they don’t see you forgive each other later, you could be setting them up for problems now and later in life.

Before getting into that, let’s be clear about what we mean by “arguing.” An argument can just be a difference of opinion and it can be rational and calm. When the difference of opinion turns into a shouting match, which often happens when the subject is emotional, that’s when the problems start – and can continue. Developmental psychologist Diana Divecha, Ph.D., cites a 2002 study which found that adults who had grown up in homes with “high levels of conflict” had more physical, emotional and social problems. These included substance-use disorders, loneliness and problems with intimacy.

5 Ways Fighting Can Hurt Your Kids

• By Causing Emotional Distress

It’s not hard to understand. If two people you loved and had control over your life spent all their time yelling at each other, even hitting each other, how would you feel? Seeing parents physically fight in front of them can cause great emotional distress for children that stays with them into adulthood. Your child 

• By Lowering Their Self-Esteem

Children can blame themselves for not helping their parents get along better or even for causing the conflict. This can cause the child to feel shame and to develop a poor self-image.

• By Impairing Their School Performance

When parents fight often, the child may begin to have difficulty focusing on schoolwork; they may be fearful and uncertain. School becomes the least of their concerns and their performance can suffer. 

• By Making Them More Aggressive

Children use their parents as role models for adult behavior, so if fighting is the only strategy they see their parents use in a disagreement, they may come to believe it is the only strategy anyone uses to settle disagreements. They could end up failing to develop fulfilling long-term relationships, especially romantic ones.

• By Causing Health Problems

Children who see their parents fighting regularly may become anxious and fearful and may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms. They might start overeating for comfort, or they might stop eating – using an eating disorder as a way of distracting their parents from their fighting.  

Signs That Your Fights Are Hurting Your Child

Even if your fighting is causing one or more of these effects, you may notice at first. A child’s behavior often changes too slowly for the patrent to notice day by day – especially if the parent is fighting with their partner and not paying attention to the child. 

But there are immediate signs to watch for. Think of the last time you fought with your partner in front of your child, and look for some telltale signs that your fights are causing problems for your child.

• The kids start crying or doing something to distract you.
• They’ll shut down and become completely silent.
• They look frightened and suddenly run out of the room.

Signs of long-term behavior problems include:

• Inability to make friends; often called anti-social.
• Tendency to bully other children or physically fight with them.
• Tendency to shoulder blame for the parents’ fights.
• Showing signs of depression.
• Performs poorly in school and has no interest in extracurricular activities they once enjoyed.
• Preference for being away from parents.
• Sudden, unexplained physical ailments such as headaches and stomach aches. (Don’t ignore physical illness without consulting a physician, but consider that this could be a symptom of unhappiness over your fighting.)

As you can see, fighting in front of your children can cause great damage. Even if you don’t get emotional and shout at each other, frequent disagreements can make your children feel uncertain and anxious. They will wonder if you ever agree on anything! 

It’s not always easy, but it’s essential to keep your disagreements away from your children. Set up some guidelines for yourself, and you will be better able to avoid fighting in front of them.

How to Keep from Fighting in Front of Your Children

A good strategy is to set a time for fighting. If a disagreement comes up, agree to wait until the kids are asleep or out of the house. Use the time to write down the points you want to make in your disagreement to stay rational and limit the time you spend arguing.

When you feel a disagreement starting, be aware of your children’s presence. If they start looking uncomfortable, take extra care to stop and agree to wait until later.

Be extra careful not to argue about the children in front of them. Suppose you disagree about things like household rules, how to discipline the children or other issues. In that case, you must come to an agreement away from the children’s hearing. It’s essential to present a united front regarding matters directly affecting your children; don’t even hint that you are not together on any of those concerns.

These guidelines will help you avoid fighting in front of the children. Still, eventually, an argument will arise and you will forget to follow them. There may be an issue that is so emotional, you just won’t be able to put it off. When that happens, go to your children when the argument is over and explain that adults sometimes have disagreements. Sometimes they get emotional, but it doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Tell them they had nothing to do with the fight, especially if you were fighting about them.

This reassurance is essential but remember that actions always speak louder than words. Make an extra effort to keep from fighting in front of your children to protect their self-esteem and build a healthy family dynamic. To receive more guidance on improving your family communication or other parenting issues, visit Be Strong International and contact us so we can help you get started today.

Miami, FL – Be Strong’s After School Club (BSASC) hosted their end-of-year field trip on May 28^th at Paradise Ranch in Miami, Florida. Their students finally met one another for the first time outside of a virtual environment since the pandemic began. During this event, students were able to participate in a cooking activity, receive program awards and enjoy time with friends and family.

“This was one of my most memorable moments this year because we got to see and honor our students in-person and before their loved ones,” said Jasmin Lang, BSASC’s site supervisor. “Since our program has been virtual all year, I really enjoyed witnessing live student smiles, laughs, and tears, especially during the award acknowledgments where all students were highlighted and appreciated for the ways they contribute to our Be Strong After School Club.”

Be Strong’s After School Club is an enrichment program that guides middle school youth’s social, emotional, and academic development, empowering them to be socially, physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy. For more information, contact Jasmine Lang at jasmine@bestrongintl.org or Vasti Thomas at vasti@bestrongintl.org or call them at 305-969-7829, ext. 109.

For inquiries or to arrange an interview, contact Nicholas Fernandez at nicholas@bestrongintl.org

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If you have kids, you know how tough it is to start the day even when there are no problems. You have to get everyone dressed, fed and out the door in time to make it to school or work with everything they need. Coming home in the evening can be even worse, depending on after-school activities and what your workday has been like.

To reduce this stress, you can prepare for the day by getting everything ready the night before. But there’s more to it than writing a to-do list. The most effective preparation begins years earlier, with teaching your children to be independent. Here’s how you can do it and get the most benefit.

Sources of Family Stress

Stress is a big part of life for today’s American family. Even healthy ones have to cope with many kinds of stress, from financial worries to social concerns. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), 73% of parents reported family responsibilities were a significant source of stress. Most parents who responded said they didn’t think their children noticed their stress. On the contrary, only 14% of tweens and teens reported that they are not bothered when their parent is stressed.

Add these worries to the everyday morning chaos of a typical American family, and you have a perfect storm of stress. The morning can quickly turn into a disaster when children refuse to get up on time, ask for help getting dressed or insist on doing homework they didn’t finish the night before. The stress builds on itself until everyone is anxious and upset.

You can prevent a lot of this with a morning routine, which can reduce anxiety and stress, according to The Huffington Post. But the most effective planning techniques should start long before then. Begin teaching your child to be independent as soon as they are ready. They can take some of the morning and evening responsibilities off your shoulders. More importantly, they will be less demanding because they are more confident about managing their own needs.

Why You Must Teach Your Children Independence

It’s the parent’s job to teach children the life skills they need in adulthood. From tying their shoes to spending their allowance wisely, the things you teach them today will enable them to live as adults. These skills are all about one thing: independence. One day they will leave you to start their own lives. You aren’t just teaching them to save their allowance when they’re young; you’re teaching them how to pay their bills when they’re grown.

This means that independence is a habit that the child must learn and practice over many years. You cannot do everything for them for their first 18 years and then turn them loose with a “Good luck!” You must begin with small tasks over many years and build up to bigger, more important ones as they get older.  And the more independent they become through the skills you teach them today, the more confident they will be when they have to learn new skills independently.

How to Teach Your Child Independence

Independence is not a skill your children learn consciously. You don’t give them “independence lessons” in the way you sit down with them and teach them how to write their name or do a math problem. It’s a day-by-day, moment-by-moment process.

Here are some ways to start teaching your child independence:

Talk to Your Child About Taking Responsibility

Before assigning chores or anything else, sit down and explain the need for your child to do their share as a member of the family. Talk about how everyone contributes something and needs to support the rest of the family by pitching in.

This talk will prepare your child for independence by making them feel important. Everyone likes to be told that they matter, and children especially like to feel like they’re part of a team pulling together.

Give Your Child a Day-to-Day Routine

Sit down with your child and make two lists of daily tasks, one for morning and one for evening. Include personal tasks like brushing their teeth and packing up their homework. Assign them household chores as well.

Tailor the list for the child’s age; if they can’t read, use pictures. Don’t expect a 5-year-old to put away dishes in high cabinets, but maybe they can take care of putting cutlery into drawers.

Include a space for checking off when the task is complete, either with stickers or your initials.

Be sure your child agrees to the tasks on each list. Decide together what consequences the child will have to experience if they leave something undone. If you want to offer a reward for completing the tasks, decide what it will be before the child begins using the list.

For other tips, see “Chores and Kids” from The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.

Teach Your Child Financial Independence

No matter how little money the child has, they can learn how to handle it responsibility. This will not only get them into the habit of saving and spending wisely, buit it will also help them learn about delaying gratification – always an important skill.

Family experts are still debating whether parents should pay children to do chores. Some argue that it encourages “entrepreneurial spirit” when the child realizes they can make more money by doing more work. They also point out that adults don’t work without pay, so why should children?

Others say children should simply do chores as a member of the family. You don’t get paid to mow the lawn; why should your child? This side of the debate says that children should receive an allowance as a means of teaching them money management skills.

This debate is just one challenge of the many delicate aspects of financial literacy. For help teaching your children about basic money management, consider joining Be Strong International’s Strong Money Mentality for Youth workshops. We also offer Strong Money Mentality for Adults.

Encourage Your Child to Be Confident

This is an important part of teaching your child to be independent. If they do not feel confident, they may hesitate about learning what you want to teach them.

First, be sure you’re giving them tasks they can handle. Asking a 7-year-old to cook dinner is sure to result in a spoiled dinner and a 7-year-old who feels incompetent. But that child can probably set the table or toss the salad.

When the child does complete a task, praise them and thank them. Do this even if they haven’t completed it perfectly. Don’t give them fake praise but find something good to say. If they tried hard, praise them for the effort. If they failed because of something beyond their control, let them know you’re aware of the reason. “I know you did your best. Thanks for trying. Next time you’ll do better” is both supportive and honest.

Preparing for the Day

Now that you’ve started teaching your child independence, here’s how to make it work. here’s how to make it work with a well-planned routine:

Make a Morning Organization Chart

Who’s clearing away the breakfast dishes? Who’s walking the dog? Put everyone’s responsibilities in writing so there’s no question who’s supposed to do what. Include yourself, for a greater sense that everyone’s in this together.

Allow Extra Time

Unless your family operates with military precision (and very few families do), you can’t structure every moment  of every morning. Sdd in some extra time to allow for forgotten tasks, accidents and just plain dawdling. Trying to follow a minute-by-minute schedule will only add to your stress.

Set aside each evening for planning and preparation

Take five or ten minutes just before bedtime to update the schedule and be sure everyone is clear about what they’re supposed to do the next day. Ask about any events that will require changing the schedule.

Relax: Don’t Expect Perfection

When teaching your child to be independent, effort matters much more than results. If you gave to correct the mistake, praise the parts that worked and gently offer to help finish the job – but express confidence that they’ll do it better the next time. Before fixing anything, ask yourself if it really needs fixing or if you can live with it.

Prepare for the Unexpected

No matter how well you prepare, every day will have its own set of surprises. The only thing we can do is be as ready as possible before they happen. If you invest some time preparing for the day or days ahead, and if you teach your child to be responsible for making each day a success, you’ll save yourself a lot of stress and will be better able to enjoy the good things the day will bring.

Contact us today at BeStrong International to help guide you in creating better and more effective tools to manage you day, your stress, and your family life.

When you say “I love you” to your children, you’re using one of the most effective child-raising techniques available to you. It’s a relatively new approach. Your parents may have said it to you only rarely, if at all. Not saying the words doesn’t mean they were bad parents, just that they were part of a generation that didn’t realize how much it can build children’s self-esteem – and didn’t even know how important self-esteem is. 

But today, we know that learning how to say “I love you” to your children can help them grow into confident, successful adults. 

Building Self Esteem in Children

Research shows that children’s self-esteem is essential to their development. In an article at PositivePsychology.com,  Dr. Jeremy Sutton, PhD, reports:   

Self-esteem is crucial to children’s academic achievement, participation, engagement in activities, social relationships, and, ultimately, their sense of wellbeing.

Children low in self-esteem tend to be shy and introverted, with self-imposed limitations and a fixed mindset. Those high in self-esteem are enthusiastic, active, feel a greater sense of worth, and, perhaps most importantly, feel comfortable with who they are . . . It follows that supporting a child as they grow and develop their self-esteem can improve their psychological wellbeing and what they get out of, and put into, life.

But how do you build a child’s self-esteem? Experts say it depends on various factors, including “liking ourselves and feeling capable,” writes Sherie Newman in “The Importance of Self-Esteem,” an article for the Child Development and Family Center at Northern Illinois University. Citing behavior expert Madelyn Swift, she writes, “It is important to build a child’s belief that they can handle their life and handle it well . . . Liking ourselves and feeling capable are the foundations on which emotional health rests.”

As Newman notes, our parenting style can have a profound effect on our children’s self-esteem.

Impact of Parenting Styles on a Child’s Self Esteem

In fact, “parental practices and styles . . . have a direct effect on a child’s adjustment and view of themselves,” writes Michele Reid, MA, a development consultant and founder of the Legacy Consulting Institute (LCI). 

In an article at LCI, Reid writes that children of authoritarian parents tend to “show more signs of both anxiety and anger and [are] more likely to have lower self-esteem. They may show self-control around authority. However, they lack the self-regulation needed to successfully interact socially when the authority is not present to regulate or monitor for them.” Parents who exert their authority with tactics like spanking, yelling or grounding usually have children who “obey authority but are more aggressive as adolescence or adults and exhibit poor self-regulation,” she writes.

Another tactic she notes is  “love withdraw,” the withholding of attention and communication. “The more use of such psychological control, the lower the child’s self-esteem.”

In contrast, she notes, “Studies show that parents that exhibit more warmth have children with greater self-esteem, higher academic success, and less [likelihood] to suffer from depression or delinquency. “

Saying “I Love You” to Your Children

You can see, then, how important it is to make your children feel loved. 

But it’s more than simply saying the words, “I love you.” Showing love is a time when the expression “Actions speak louder than words” really means something. If you don’t back up your loving words with loving actions, they’re meaningless. 

For children, love means caring about someone enough to spend time with them. As they grow older, they also begin to see it as a matter of trust and respect. If you love someone, you trust and respect them enough to make their own decisions, or at least to have a say in the decisions affecting them.

Ways to Say “I Love You” to Your Child

At Be Strong International, we’re constantly amazed at the power of those three words: I love you. You don’t even have to say the words for the message to come across. A gesture, a smile, a gentle squeeze of the hand are simple ways to show affection and make the child feel loved. You can also show them you love them by spending time with them in fun and thoughtful ways, especially if you give them some say in the activity.

Here are some ideas for showing your kids you love them. But it’s not what you do that matters. The important thing is that you show them you like them, you’re glad they’re here and, above all, you love them.

100 Ways to Show Your Child You Love Them

Cute Ways

1. Wake them up by singing “You Are My Sunshine”
2. Call them by a silly but affectionate name
3. For breakfast, make a heart-shaped pancake 
4. Give them some of those candy Valentine hearts with funny puns about love
5. Write “I love you” in magnetic letters on your refrigerator.
6. Say it in pig Latin 
7. Tell each other silly jokes
8. Surprise them with a candy bar or other treat during your grocery trip
9. Come up with a way of texting “I love you” that only the two of you understand
10. Go to lunch and take selfies together.

Time Together Ways 

1. Play cards
2. See a movie they want to see
3. Binge-watch their favorite TV show 
4. Play video games with them
5. Have a backward meal in their honor: Dessert first!
6. Have a spa day 
7. Celebrate the school year’s end at an indoor playground
8. Go fishing
9. Make cookies
10. Pick them up early from school and do whatever they want
11. Cook together
12. Go shopping for something fun 
13. Have a backyard picnic
14. Look at their baby pictures 
15. Look at your baby pictures or wedding pictures
16. Take an afternoon off work and do whatever they want
17. Make pizza together
18. Take a bike ride in the neighborhood
19. Make a recording about the day they were born 
20. Interview them about their favorite hobby
21. Teach them a card game
22. Have a scavenger hunt
23. Blindfold them and drive to a surprise fun spot
24. Have a backyard marshmallow roast
25. Have a water gunfight 
26. Have them invite a friend for a sleepover
27. Play on the swings and slide at the local park
28. Play tag, hide & seek or a similar game 
29. If you live near a train, ride it to the next town
30. Roast marshmallows over an outdoor fire or grill
31. Go out for coffee together
32. Have an ice cream social with their friends
33. Have a family spelling bee
34. Play Silent Sam – the first person to make the other one laugh wins
35. Play hide ’n seek – and don’t try to get found to get the game over with!
36. Tell knock-knock jokes to each other
37. Teach them some dances from your teen years
38. Hunt for seashells
39. On movie night, let them pick the movie
40. Take a nature hike together

Caring Ways

1. If they get an allowance, give them a bonus for no reason 
2. At the pool, pay attention when they call to you to “Watch this!”
3. Referee the kids’ cannonball contest at the pool
4. At bedtime, talk about their day for five or ten minutes 
5. Write “I love you” on a sticky note in one of their school textbooks
6. Tell them you’re proud of them
7. Apologize when you’re wrong
8. Forgive them when they’re wrong
9. With their teacher’s permission, bring a healthy but tasty snack for everyone in their class 
10. Make a toast to them at dinner
11. Put a loving note in their lunchbox
12. Send an affectionate message in a meme or fun text message
13. If their friends are around, squeeze their hand discreetly  instead of giving a hug
14. Let them pick out their lunchbox snacks
15. Thank them for doing their chores
16. Volunteer to read a story to their school or day-care class
17. Put away your phone and listen when they talk
18. Brag about them on social media 
19. Make their favorite meal once a week
20. Put up their awards in a prominent place
21. Get a trophy case for their awards
22. Be available for homework help
23. Get involved in their school activities
24. Make sure to attend Parents Night at their school
25. Be generous when it’s your turn to bring snacks to a game
26. Set aside work when they want to play
27. Chaperone a school event
28. Post their good grades on social media
29. Ask for their opinion about something in the news
30. Listen when they come to you with a problem
31. Share one secret about yourself
32. Don’t make promises you can’t keep
33. Offer to speak at their school’s next Career Day
34. Help them practice their sport: Play catch, shag tennis balls or whatever they need
35. Be a chaperone on a field trip
36. Bring a special treat to their class party
37. Play cards
38. See a movie they want to see
39. Unplug from all your screens and just talk
40. Encourage them when they try something new
41. Bring a special treat to their class party
42. Unplug from all your screens and just talk
43. Encourage them when they try something new

Creative Ways

1. Frame their best artwork and hang it prominently
2. Video-call them next time you’re away
3. Take photos on a walk together and make an album of what you see
4. Open an Instagram account together
5. Make a TikTok video
6. Grow a flower or vegetable garden
7. Cook and eat the vegetables you’ve grown
8. Build sandcastles at the beach

Contact us today to see what program at BeStrong International would best fit your child’s needs and personality. We can’t wait to get in touch with you!

Miami, FL – Be Strong International’s (BSI) Raising the B.A.R. (Budding Adult-Child Relationship) program has been awarded a grant of $2,475 from the Cutler Bay Community Fund at The Miami Foundation.

“The Cutler Bay Community Fund aims to establish partnerships that help improve the quality of life of residents in our community, and support local nonprofit organizations,” said Cutler Bay Town Manager Rafael G. Casals. “We are proud to fund Be Strong International, Inc.’s award-winning parenting program and look forward to their success in our community.”

The funds, which cover the period of March 2021 to February 2022, will further support the program’s outreach efforts, delivery of services, and purchase of materials needed to host their parent workshops. Currently, Raising the B.A.R. workshops are being offered exclusively online due to the COVID-19 public safety restrictions. Still, nearly 1,000 more workshops were offered in 2020 than in 2019. In all, an estimated 2,276 parents have been served.

“The workshops we offer will empower parents with the techniques designed to reduce their stress levels.”, says BSI parent workshop facilitator Ezra Carias. “Their children will grow in a nurturing environment so they can become the best version of themselves while at the same time bringing happiness to their parents.”

Raising the B.A.R.’s mission is to provide educational services and resources to parents, caregivers, and families, helping them develop and sustain healthy relationships. Workshops are available in English, Spanish, and Creole, during flexible hours, including afternoons, evenings, and weekends. Sponsored and organized by The Children’s Trust Parent Club, the courses are meant to enlighten parents on some of the most common, relevant issues facing modern parents, including parenting during the pandemic.

For inquiries about our Raising the B.A.R. workshops visit bestrongintl.org or to arrange an interview, contact Nicholas Fernandez at nicholas@bestrongintl.org.