Why Children Need Family Problem Solving Skills

One of the most important skills for parents and children to learn is the art of solving their problems together. Being part of this process teaches children how to tackle challenges on their own when they need to. It benefits the parent-child relationship, builds children’s self-esteem and makes the whole family stronger. Learning and practicing the skill of family problem solving is essential for everyone’s success.

Children Learn What They See

When you teach your children how to solve problems, you’re giving them one of the most effective keys to success in life. As they grow, they’ll face many challenges and won’t always be able to call on you to help them. But remember that they’re going to model their behavior on yours. It’s how they learn what they need to know about living. 

Ask yourself: How do I handle problems? Do I jump to the first solution that feels good, or do I think about my options and choose the most logical one? Do I break down and cry if the problem makes me feel frustrated, or do I approach it calmly? Do I try to go it alone, or ask friends or family for advice?

As you ask yourself these questions, keep in mind that your children will copy your problem-solving method because they will think it’s the right one. 

Modeling Behavior

To model what really is the right way to solve problems, parents need to teach their children how to solve family problems together. This will focus the family on working on a common goal and it will teach children problem solving by modeling it in front of them. 

But there is so much more to it. If we, as parents, allow every family member to voice their opinions when the family is solving a problem, we are sending a valuable message: I care about what you think and I need to hear your opinion before we try to solve the problem. This will benefit our relationship with our children by showing them that they can trust us to take care of them. 

Telling children that we care what they think doesn’t mean automatically agreeing to what they’re proposing. It just tells them we’re willing to listen. The fact that we’re taking the time to listen to them tells them we take them seriously, which goes a long way in building trust. 

Building Trust

Parents sometimes forget how important trust is to the health of their relationship with their children. But research tells us it’s essential. “The parent-child relationship is the first social relationship,” says Danielle Kaslow, Ph.D., in a 2008 study on caregiver-infant bonding, which the health-and-wellness website PsychCentral reported. “It teaches the child that he can communicate in order to get his needs met, which transfers to forming relationships later in life

Building trust as a parent is a lot like what happens at your job or in school. Think about your boss or, if you’re in school, your teacher. How do you feel when they ask your opinion about something? You probably feel respected and more likely to go along willingly with their decisions or to accept their instruction. If they seem to trust you, you trust them in turn.

What if they dismiss you and tell everyone that their ideas are the only ones worth considering? What if your boss or teacher simply said, “Because I told you so”? Parents do have to use that expression sometimes, depending on the age of the child and the kind of decision needed.  But in a situation when everyone should have a say, how much would you trust someone who acts like a dictator? 

Nurturing Family Relationships

Every relationship needs to be nurtured. We wouldn’t hang out with a friend who doesn’t listen to us or care what we think. If we ever feel uncomfortable with a friend, we can simply end the friendship. But we don’t have that option with our children and neither do they. Besides, we don’t want to end the relationship, even if we could. We love each other. We have to make the time to put in the work to strengthen our relationship with children. Teaching how to problem-solve as a family is a perfect opportunity to do it.

If we allow our children to participate in a family problem solving session, they will learn to approach problems like we do. They will begin to understand our point and will make decisions based on what they learned from us. The more you do it, the better you’ll get at it – and the closer you’ll be drawing your children to you.

Tips for Family Problem-Solving

When you bring the family together for problem solving, you may have to think about the issues a little differently. Be Strong International has many experienced staff members who can help you learn family problem solving skills. Meanwhile, try these ideas for more successful problem solving as a family.

Wait Until Everyone Is Calm 

The more emotional and sensitive the problem is, the more important it is to be calm and rational when you talk about it. If your daughter has been breaking curfew on a regular basis, 2 a.m. is no time to discuss the problem. Meet in the morning when everyone is rested and in a more positive frame of mind.

Choose the Right Time and Place

Your home is the best place to meet. Everyone is comfortable there and you’ll have all the privacy you need. If you do decide to meet away from home, choose somewhere with as few distractions as possible and make your discussion the main point of the outing. Don’t go to a baseball game and then announce you’re going to talk about the need to cut back spending.

Set Ground Rules

Start the meeting by getting everyone to agree on how it will happen. Some common rules include:

• Listen politely to what each person has to say. No interrupting, laughing or making faces.
• If you’re speaking, respect everyone else’s time; don’t take over the conversation.
• Don’t point fingers or blame other family members for the problem.
• Accept responsibility if you are contributing to the problem.

Identify the Problem

State the issue as you understand it. Stick to the facts; focus on behavior, not feelings. Facts: “There are dirty dishes piling up and the grass is getting overgrown.” Feelings: “You guys aren’t doing your chores, which is very irresponsible and disrespectful.”

Give Everyone Their Say

Make sure all family members are able to express themselves and speak freely, as long as they follow the ground rules. When they do speak, don’t dismiss their statement. Have everyone hold their responses until all family members have spoken.

Be Willing to Be Wrong

You’re not always right just because you’re the parent. Maybe you really aren’t being fair in the way you assign household chores. Maybe you’re the only one who wants to go to Las Vegas for vacation. If you truly are wrong and are willing to admit it, you will take an enormous step in building trust with your children.

No Solution? Take a Break

You can’t always solve a problem in one session. Bigger problems may take several sessions, especially if your family is new to this problem solving method. With an emotional issue, expect some emotional reactions. If you do reach a stalemate – or if someone gets upset and runs off – be willing to adjourn the meeting and try again at another time.

Get Everyone’s Agreement

Don’t leave the table without everyone’s agreement to whatever decision your family has made, even if it’s just a decision to adjourn and come back later. If you come to a solution, be sure that it’s acceptable to everyone. If most family members agree but one or two resist the agreed solution, ask them to “just try it for now.” Plan to come back in a week or a month to assess the solution and see if it needs revision.

Make a Plan

Once you have a solution, make a plan for putting it into action. Be sure everyone knows their part in achieving success. Be specific and make sure the plan is measurable. “Dishwashing duty starts no more than 10 minutes after the table is cleared” is measurable; “Everyone will do the dishes faster” is not.

Close on a Positive Note

Even if you haven’t solved the problem, be supportive and optimistic. You can thank family members for being present, for being cooperative or for doing their best to contribute  helpful ideas. If no one broke down crying and ran from the room, maybe that’s a big success for your family!  If you did solve the problem, tell them you’re happy that everyone came together and came up with a great solution. 

Try This Sensible Problem Solving Method

When you asked yourself about your problem-solving method, what did you discover? Do you tend to be calm and rational or stressed-out and emotional? A family problem-solving session may finally be the motivation you need to tackle issues in a calmer, more rational way. After all, if you want your children to approach problems in a productive way, you have to show them how.

For more help with problem solving or other ways to strengthen your family relationships, contact us at Be Strong International.

Do you want to see good behavior in your child? Encourage good behavior when you see it. Researchers tell us that children look to their parents to figure out how to behave. Telling your child what you like to see them do will make them more likely to keep doing the good things. It’s even better to imitate them when they behave well. It sends the strongest, clearest message about what you want to see. 

Parents’ Influence on Children’s Behavior

According to researchers, parents have a strong influence on their children’s behavior. Children behave like their parents,  so it’s important to behave the way you want them to behave. One study found that imitation is so important in effective learning that children will “over-imitate” their parents’ behavior. They’ll copy a task exactly as they observe it, even if some steps in the task are unnecessary or have nothing to do with the task.

However, it’s not enough to tell children what you want. Imitating the behavior you want is the best way to get them to display it. 

To explore this, researcher Albert Bandura conducted a series of studies in which some children watched adults treat a doll kindly. Other children watched adults hit the doll with a hammer. Each group of children behaved the way they had seen the adults do. This led Bandura to theorize that children learn their behaviors from what they see others in their environment do.

Even more interesting, this “social learning” doesn’t just involve the child imitating the parent. It’s also effective when the parent imitates the child.

“Any behavior you imitate is likely to be repeated by your child,” the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) advises in its tips for parents of toddlers and preschoolers. “When you imitate your child’s play, you show her you are paying attention and like what she is doing. Imitation can help a child feel good about herself and gives you a lot of chances to give positive attention.”

Reward Good Behavior with Praise

To build those desirable behaviors, parents should “embrace praise,” the American Psychological Association (APA) advises. Giving attention to a behavior encourages the child to repeat the behavior. But that includes both desirable and undesirable actions. It’s best to call attention to good behavior rather than to point out the bad.

“When it comes to nagging, reprimand and other forms of punishment, the more you do it, the more likely you are not going to get the behavior you want,” says Alan E. Kazdin, PhD, a psychology professor at Yale University and former APA president “A better way to get children to clean their room or do their homework, for example, is to model the behavior yourself, encourage it and praise it when you see it.”

Best Ways to Praise Your Child

In praising your child, remember that praise is most effective when it is specific and focuses on the behavior rather than on the child. Here are two forms of praise that experts say work best:

Labeled Praise

According to experts, “labeled praise” is a positive statement that says exactly what you liked about their behavior. If the child is sitting quietly, don’t praise them for “being good.” This might make them feel good but it doesn’t give them any real guidance. 

Instead, say something like “I really like how quietly you’re sitting in your chair.” This tells the child exactly what they’re doing right so they can repeat the good behavior. It also keeps the focus on the behavior rather than on the child.

In the same way, calling out a bad behavior will reinforce the action in the child’s mind — but be careful how you do it. Don’t get angry or raise your voice but point out why it’s not acceptable. By ignoring misbehavior, you risk implying that it’s OK.

 Description

Another way to call out good behavior is to describe what your child is doing right. The technique not only praises the behavior but also build’s the child’s self-esteem. It shows them you are interested and giving them your full attention. The CDC compares description to a sportscaster’s play-by-play. It might go something like this:

“You’re looking at all the pieces and trying to decide which one you want. Oh, you decided to put a green cowboy hat on the potato. Nice job getting the hat on. Now he has a mustache. You picked the green glasses that match the green hat. Those glasses are tough to put on, and I like how hard you are trying. I am glad you stuck with it and you got those glasses on his face.”

Child Cognitive Development

According to development experts, your child will probably start picking up on your behavioral cues at around their first birthday. They’ll stop mimicking you just to copy you and will start imitating you to learn how to behave.

This means you should start modeling the behavior you want at about the same time. Some experts recommend using a learning video for kids, which shows them the behavior you want to them to display. But video is most effective for preschoolers (ages 3-6). Don’t use it as your primary tool, but as reinforcement or to show more people displaying the desired behavior. Your own personal imitation is still the best way to teach your child. 

Getting Children to Behave

Keep in mind that part of modeling behavior is teaching the consequences for children’s behavior. When children see a behavior punished or rewarded, they learn to act in a way that will either reward them or prevent the punishment. That’s why it’s important not to protect children from the consequences of undesirable behavior. 

When it comes to getting children to behave, your best tool is consistency. If you reward and punish inconsistently, your child will not know how to behave. Worse, the child can become anxious and uncertain, and will only learn they cannot trust their parent to teach them the behaviors they need to know.

On the other hand, if you praise your child consistently for the behaviors you want to see and show them what you mean by displaying the behavior yourself. Reinforce their good behavior by imitating it yourself. It’s one of the most important strategies you can use for raising happy, confident children.

Miami, FL – By 9:30 a.m. on Friday, April 9^th, cars were already lining up around the block to get food boxes and information at the Marriage Matters Drive-Thru Community Fair and Food Distribution Event at the South Dade YMCA.

More than 350 boxes of fresh groceries were given to needy families from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. at the YMCA, 9355 SW 134th St, Miami, FL 33176. The event organizer, the Marriage Matters program, is one of the newest programs at Be Strong International (BSI).  Marriage Matters is designed to encourage and educate married couples, while enabling them, at every stage, to build and sustain a healthy marriage.

With the help of sponsors and volunteers, BSI not only distributed boxes of fresh food, they also were able to give out free books for children and share information about programs or resources from partners such as Survivors Pathway and Kristi House. “We’re all extremely thankful for BSI continuing to give back to our community by hosting another wonderful event,” says Danielle Cohen Higgin, Miami-Dade County Commissioner for District 8. “We are on the mend, but the need is still great.”

Marriage Matters is seeking couples over the age of 18 that qualify, regardless of race, gender, age, disability, orientation or, religion. The program follows an evidence-based curriculum that has been working for over 40 years.

“Couples may have strained relationships due to job loss, kids at home, and fear about COVID-19,” says Oscar Diaz of BSI’s Marriage Matters Program. “This pandemic is presenting them with challenges they’ve never faced before, and it is easy to get overwhelmed by the constant negativity going on around them. That is why what we have done today is so incredibly important. Spreading positivity and optimism in a time where it’s most needed.”

Partners and donors that made this all possible include Florida state representatives Kevin Chambliss and Vance Aloupis, Miami-Dade County Commissioner Danielle Cohen Higgins, the Healthy Marriage and Responsible Fatherhood Programs, Univision Contigo, the YMCA, Farm Share, Shake Shack. and Miami Dade County.

For more information about Be Strong International or Marriage Matters, please visit bestrongintl.org or call (305) 969-7829. For inquiries about this event or to arrange an interview, contact Nicholas Fernandez at nicholas@bestrongintl.org.

[Best_Wordpress_Gallery id=”24″ gal_title=”Marriage Matters Food Drive”]

Uncertainty in employment and daily living, including food, has caused a great amount of stress on relationships, particularly marriages, during the pandemic. In response, Strong International’s new Marriage Matters program will host a Drive-Thru Community Fair and Food Distribution next month.

The event will take place on Friday, August 9, 2020, between the hours of 10 a.m. and 1:00 p.m. at the South Dade YMCA, 9355 SW 134th St, Miami, FL 33176. The program is seeking to provide some food relief and register interested couples for its eight-week program.

“COVID-19 has strained too many relationships,” says Celida Hernandez, Be Strong’s community outreach liaison. “That is why Be Strong International wants help our community through these tough times, especially the couples within our most vulnerable population in Miami-Dade County.”

During the fair people can get not only a box of food provided by Farm Share, but they can also get free books for their kids provided by The Children’s Trust and much more. Due to COVID-19 CDC recommendations, all attendees are asked to wear masks and remain in their cars until a volunteer approaches. Those interested in attending, can register at https://bestrongintl.org/fooddrive while slots are still available.

The Marriage Matters program is designed to encourage and educate couples in the areas of relationship strengthening, communication, problem solving, stress and anger management, intimacy, parenting, and financial literacy using the MERS PREP 8.0 and evidence-base curriculum. Their goal is to enable married couples, at every stage, to build and sustain a healthy marriage. Interested couples can visit the website to learn more about the program, which is funded by the U.S. Department of Human Services.

“In a time where marriages are declining and divorces increasing, it is important that our community knows of the resources they have available that will aid them in keeping their relationships alive and healthy” said, Rosa Lopez, Program Manager for Marriage Matters. “We are excited to have the opportunity to be able to give back to our community, while being able to spread information and bring awareness to the importance of a truly healthy union.”

Partners and donors that made this all possible include Florida state representatives Kevin Chambliss and Vance Aloupis, the Healthy Marriage and Responsible Fatherhood Programs, Univision Contigo, the YMCA, Farm Share, Miami Dade County, Florida Blue, Shake Shack, Bank OZK, Kristi House, Survivor’s Pathway, the Mexican Consulate, UniMas, Amor 107.5, Radio Mambi, Mix 98.3, and WQBA 1140 AM.

Model the Behavior You’d Like to See in Your Child

Children’s behavior often mimics their parents’. You’ve probably noticed this yourself. Does your child ever “play dress-up” in your clothes? Do they watch you very closely when you’re doing something they’re trying to learn to do? We like to think they’re copying us because they admire us. That’s one reason. But it’s more basic than that.  Research has shown that children imitate their parents so they can learn how to behave in the world. But remember, they will copy everything you do – even the bad things. Model the behavior you’d like to see and avoid letting them see what you don’t want them to copy.

Parents’ Influence on Children’s Behavior 

For children, imitation is not a form of flattery. Child behavior experts say it’s more like practice. “Imitation is vital to the development of abilities ranging from language to social skills,” explains Lisa Nalven, M.D., a developmental and behavioral pediatrician, in the online magazine Parents.

Imitation does start as imitation in early childhood, Nalven says. “Mimicry begins at birth – many newborns, for instance, copy facial movements such as sticking out their tongue. But age 1 marks the beginning of true imitation, or imitation with intent.” 

That’s when imitation starts to mean something, agrees Howard Klein, M.D., director of behavioral pediatrics at Sinai Hospital in Baltimore. “A 1-year-old understands that the actions he’s copying have a significance,” he notes in the Parents article.

Parents’ effect on children’s behavior is surprisingly strong.  In an Australian study,  researchers found children “over-imitating” parents. The parents demonstrated how to open a box and added unnecessary steps that had nothing to do with the task. The children did everything they had seen, including the unnecessary steps.

In similar studies, dogs and chimps only did the steps needed to complete the task.

“Animals focus on getting the job done,” explains Mark Nielsen, a psychologist at the University of Queensland in Brisbane, Australia. “Humans seem to almost forget about the outcome and copy everything we see.”

Children with Behavior Problems

That’s why it’s so important to model the right behavior. Your children will not just imitate the good things you do. They will also copy the bad things.

That’s what researchers discovered in the “Bobo doll” studies. Children watched adults play with a doll. Sometimes the adults treated the doll lovingly. Sometimes they hit it with a hammer. Each group of children treated the doll the same way they had seen the adults in their group.

Albert Bandura, the lead scientist in the Bobo studies, used the findings to form his “social learning” theory of child development. The theory says we learn how to behave from others in our environment – not by doing as they say but by doing as they do. 

We can’t blame ourselves for every behavior problem our children have. A child may misbehave because of serious emotional or psychological problems. Other people also influence our children’s behavior. Many struggling parents today are so busy working to support their families, they may not be a great presence in their children’s lives. 

But parents are the most important part of their development. No matter how much or how little time we spend with them, we exert the greatest influence. We have to be careful what we let them see us doing. 

Modeling Behavior for Children 

If we don’t want our children to start smoking or engaging in other unhealthy behavior, we can’t engage in that behavior. If we don’t want them to treat other people unkindly, we can’t let them see us being unkind. “Do as I say, not as I do” teaches nothing but hypocrisy.

But we have to do more than just not let them see our bad behavior. We have to eliminate the behavior from our own life. Don’t just quit smoking around your children. You have to quit smoking, period. (They’ll probably smell the evidence that you’re still smoking anyway.)

You may have to do more than change your behavior. The longer you’ve engaged in an undesirable behavior, the more attention you have to bring to the improved one.

If you’ve smoked for many years, your children have probably gotten so used to it they don’t even notice it anymore. They might not notice when you stop, either. Announce that you’ve quit and tell them you finally realized how dangerous it was to everyone’s health, including theirs. 

If you decide you must change your behavior, take the opportunity to explain to your children that no one is perfect.  Explain to them that you’re trying to change some flaws you have found in yourself. Let them see that everyone makes mistakes but they can fix them and change. 

Every child should know that their parents are not perfect. It gives them permission to be imperfect themselves – while also showing them it’s possible to change.

Setting a Good Example for Children

We can’t control everything our children are exposed to, but there are ways to increase the chances that we’re giving them good role models.  

Know Where Your Child Spends Their Time

Be as careful about the people and situations you expose them to as you would when it comes to their physical safety.

Be Alert for the Good

Notice your child’s good behavior and praise them for it. When you see others doing good, point that out too.

Don’t Ignore the Bad

When you see misbehavior in your child or other people, use it as an opportunity to teach right and wrong. Explain why the behavior is not acceptable. Be sure they understand what should have happened instead.

Make Good a Habit

Don’t just act right when the children are around. Do the right thing whether anyone is watching or not. Make the desired behavior an honest part of your life, even when your children aren’t around. Model good behavior at all times, and before long it will become second nature – and you’ll never have to change your actions when the children appear.

How to Teach Children the Value of Following Rules

The process of learning to follow rules begins at home, in early childhood. Parents are their children’s first teachers and this is one of the important lessons they can teach them. Home is where children learn about what rules are, why they are important and how to follow them. Teaching children the value of following rules begins by helping them to understand what rules are and why we have them.

Why Do Children Need Family Rules?

Family rules have two purposes: They create order and structure in the family, and they prepare children for the world outside the family.

Knowing this, Be Strong International focuses on helping our families to teach their children about following rules. Again and again, we’ve discovered that children are hungry for structure in their lives. In programs like the Raising the B.A.R. Parent Club, we help parents to see that rules aren’t about controlling rules to control their children but to help them understand what behaviors they expect and will accept. 

The first lesson is that it’s a world full of rules. Children need to know how to follow them and get along with the world once they leave the safety and security of their parents. They learn this with clear, simple statements about acceptable behaviors, which also state the consequences of not following the rules. Rules help children learn the difference between right and wrong, by giving them limits to test. This is what challenging behavior in children is all about. Children misbehave because they need to know just how far they can go before they face consequences. It’s an important part of child emotional development.

In other words, rules prepare children for the world outside the family and help them learn how to obey the rules they will encounter there. To teach your children the value of following rules, start by making them an active part in creating the rules they will follow.

What’s the Best Way to Teach Children About Family Rules?

Involving children in the rule-making process is one of the best ways to teach them its importance, writes Thomas Gordon, founder of the groundbreaking Parent Effectiveness Training program. Giving children an active role in setting rules has several positive results, according to Gordon:

Children feel better about themselves, have higher self-esteem and self-confidence. Most important, they feel they have gained more “fate control” – more personal control over their own lives. They also feel they are equal members of the family with an equal voice in making decisions and establishing rules – they’re part of a team, not second-class citizens. This means that families that function collaboratively and democratically will have closer and warmer relationships than those in which the adults act as bosses or authorities expecting the children to obey the rules made for them.

In fact, parents’ effect on children is so strong that they’re more likely to accept rules if you bring them into the process and make them part of the team. 

Write Your Family’s Rules

Putting this into action, psychotherapist Avidan Milevsky, Ph.D., says families should not just create rules but a formal  constitution, a document similar to the official constitution that created the United States’ system of government. “Having a family constitution assists children in the family in understanding the rules that govern all family dynamics including sibling interactions,” Milevsky writes in Psychology Today. He recommends creating a document that covers major issues the family contends with, such as how siblings will interact with each other and how much TV everyone should watch. 

Now let’s take a look at how the process should take place. What kind of rules should you be writing?

What Makes a Good Rule?

To begin with, the number and kind of rules your family writes depend on how old the children are. Toddlers can probably only understand and remember two or three rules; pre-schoolers, not many more. 

Keeping this in mind, be smart about the rules you set. They should be:

• Specific and objective. “Be nice” isn’t helpful. “Don’t hit people” says exactly how you want the child to act. It’s easy to tell when the child breaks the rule.
• Clear and concise. The younger the child, the shorter the rule should be.
• Age-appropriate. Expecting a 5-year-old to remember and follow 10 or 20 rules isn’t realistic, while a teen-ager should be able to handle more complex ones.   

How to Set Family Rules That Work

The most effective rules are those that everyone agrees on and understands. They also have to make sense for your family. Take the time to think carefully about them. Here’s how to set smart family rules:

Identify Your Family’s Values

First, decide what kind of family you want to be. Look at things like how strict you want to be, how important your children’s education is, how you want to spend time together and whether to limit TV watching and online activity. 

Agree on the Rules

Next, have a family meeting to talk about the rules everyone will follow. Bring up the values you’ve identified and ask the children what values they want to uphold. Write rules that will support those values. 

Agree on Consequences

During the meeting, talk about what should happen if someone doesn’t follow a rule. Tailor the consequences to the severity of the offense and the age of the rule-breaker. If your 5-year-old “forgets” to put away their toys, you might take away their favorite toy for a few hours. If your teen-ager skips school, you might ground them for a few days. 

Enforce and Reinforce

Finally, once you’ve all agreed on consequences, follow through and enforce them. Consistency and timing are the keys to success here. Enforce consequences every time someone breaks a rule and as soon as you’re aware of the offense. Haphazard enforcement sends the message that you don’t care or even that you’ve rescinded the rule.

When your child follows a rule correctly, be sure to point it out and praise them. This not only makes them feel good about themselves, but it also reinforces the reason for the rule. “You put away your toys without being asked! Won’t it be great to know exactly where your stuffed bear is the next time you want to play with him?”

If they don’t follow the rule, point it out but focus on the behavior and its results. “You didn’t empty the dishwasher this morning like you were supposed to. Now you’ll have to wait a little longer for dinner because we can’t set the table yet.” (Bonus points for focusing on how the broken rule directly affects the rule breaker.)

Follow the Rules Yourself

It’s not just fair but it also avoids confusion. How can you enforce a rule against using screens at the dinner table if you’re checking your email between bites? If you don’t think a rule makes sense for you, an adult – a set bedtime or a curfew, for instance – don’t assume it’s “obvious.” Include the exception in the rules.

Following Rules for a Better World

As we’ve pointed out, rules bring order to your family and make it easier for everyone to live together. But we don’t have rules just to keep our homes clean and to have quiet dinners togethe. When you teach your child the value of following rules, you are teaching them how to get along in the world and how to value themselves as an important contributor to a better family and a better world.

Be Strong International has a wide variety of programs and services to help your family grow stronger together. Contact us today.

All parents want their children to succeed in school, which leads to success in life. We all know how important it is to support our kids’ academic efforts and to be there for them when they need us. If you’re a single parent, you know how hard this can be no matter how strongly you believe in education. Single-parent families tend to have lower incomes and less access to resources like tutoring or special academic programs. Their children are more likely to drop out of school. The good news is that single-parent families can find support to help their children do well in school and later in life.  

Single-Parent Families Are More Common

More and more children in the United States are living with a single parent, and that can make it hard for them to succeed in school. Today, almost one-third of U.S. children live in households with an unmarried parent, according to the Pew Research Center. Pew finds that the rate of single-parent families has more than doubled in the last 50 years, from 13% in 1968 to 32% in 2017. The Kids Count Data Center says the rate has been holding mostly steady since 2010, stubbornly hovering at about 35% – totaling just under 24 million children each year. 

The numbers include children living with two unmarried people. They do not include those living with a parent and stepparent or children living in institutions such as group homes.

The Stresses of Single Parenting

If you thought being married with children was hard, try being single with children! Although both married and single parents face many of the same child-rearing problems, singles must solve theirs without automatic backup and support. Even when the non-custodial parent pays child support and pays it on time, it can be a struggle to suddenly have to live on one income when you are used to having two. 

Today’s single-parent family faces a great deal of stress, according to the American Psychological Association, which notes several sources of pressure:

• Visitation and custody problems
• Continuing conflict between the parents
• Less opportunity for parents and children to spend time together
• Effects of the breakup on children’s school performance and peer relations
• Disruptions of extended family relationships
• Parents dating new people 

Children in single-parent families are more likely than two-parent children to have accidents, to need medical care for physical illnesses and to be hospitalized, says Science Direct, a clearinghouse for scientific research. It also finds that “single parents have higher levels of mental health problems, which could result partly from the stress of trying to balance the needs of employment, home responsibilities, child rearing, and interactions with the child’s school with limited time, personal, and social support.”

It’s no wonder single-parent children often struggle in school!

Effects of Single-Parent Families on Children’s Education

Children in single-parent families are more likely to drop out of school and less likely to finish college than two-parent children, according to one study. Many factors contribute to their struggles:

Lack of Time

A single mom or dad may have to work longer hours to make ends meet, so they have less time and energy to help their children with schoolwork. If the child also works to help pay expenses, it can give them less time to spend on their school work.

Lack of money 

Extracurricular activities and community involvement are an important part of school today, especially when it comes to getting into college. But their cost can keep a single-parent child from participating.

Emotional Stress

When your family is going through a divorce, or if financial struggles mean you have to move a lot or even become homeless, school becomes a low priority.

Mental Health

Children in single-parent families often have trouble making friends and developing healthy relationships with adults. They often struggle with depression, anxiety and low self-esteem, which can lead to substance abuse.

Single-Parent Education 

Even with all these challenges, you can improve your child’s academic chances if you show interest in education – not just theirs, but yours too. Studies show that the more education a parent has completed, the more likely their children are to succeed. If you’re thinking of going back to school for a better job for your family, you can get help from single-parent student grants and other sources of financial aid:

The Federal Pell Grant Program

Some people call the Federal Pell Grant program “the single mother grant,” because so many single parents have used it to go back to school and increase their income potential. Most recipients are undergraduate students and get the aid because of financial need. To apply for a Federal Pell Grant, fill out the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) at the FAFSA website.

Federal Supplemental Education Opportunity Grants

You can win an FSEOG grant if you show sufficient financial need in your FAFSA application. 

State Grants for Single Parents

Many states also offer their own education grants to encourage students to seek higher education. You don’t have to be a single parent to get one, but some state programs take family financial status into account and give most of the aid to disadvantaged and low-income families. To determine whether your state offers a similar grant program for students, visit your state’s financial aid website.

Academic Competitiveness Grant (ACG)

The ACG is a merit-based educational grant for first- and second-year college students who graduated from high school during 2006 or after 2005. Some students already receiving a Pell Grant can win the award based on academic merit. To apply, complete a  FAFSA application.

The National SMART Grant

SMART stands for Science and Mathematics Access to Retain Talent. The grant is a merit-based award to third- and fourth-year Pell Grant students in physical, life or computer sciences; mathematics, technology or engineering programs; and some other programs of study. You have to have a grade-point average of at least 3.0 to be eligible. 

Single-Parent Education Challenges

Single-parent families face many challenges that married families don’t experience. Perhaps few are as important to conquer as education, which determines our success for generations to come. Ask for help getting your child what they need to succeed. Show your child that learning is important to you by taking opportunities to improve your own education.

For more information or help with parenting your child, register for our free courses, which are being delivered virtually.

Holistic education is an alternative way of both teaching and learning. It looks at the whole student and their life experiences. It connects the different school subjects to teach them in context of each other. The student takes more responsibility for their own learning in holistic education. Supporters say holistic education rejects rote learning to help the student build critical thinking and teamwork skills while developing greater self-confidence.

What Is Holistic Education?

Many people think holistic education is a new concept introduced in the past century. It can actually be traced back to the ancient Greeks, who looked at the world as a single whole. Its most famous practitioner may be Maria Montessori, an Italian physician and educator. She believed children are born learners who need a supportive environment to bring out their natural talents. She did not believe tests were useful tools for assessing learning.

Echoing Montessori, the Learning Policy Institute says holistic education programs engage the student at the social, emotional and academic levels. This is where learning happens, the institute says in a 2018 article, “Educating the Whole Child: Improving School Climate to Support Student Success”

“Emotions and social relationships affect learning. Positive relationships, including trust in the teacher, and positive emotions, such as interest and excitement, open up the mind to learning. Negative emotions, such as fear of failure, anxiety, and self-doubt, reduce the capacity of the brain to process information and to learn. Learning is shaped both by intrapersonal awareness, including the ability to manage stress and direct energy in productive ways, and by interpersonal skills, including the ability to interact positively.”

The Learning Policy Institute calls holistic education “democratic learning” because it gives the student a voice in what they learn and how they learn it. Traditional teaching happens from the top down. The teacher gives information to the student, who must pass a test of some kind to prove they’ve learned the lesson. In a holistic classroom, the student shapes their own learning, applying new information to what they already know and relating it to their own personal experiences. 

Differences from Traditional Education

The overarching difference between the two forms of education is that traditional education emphasizes results in separate, unrelated subjects. By contrast, holistic education focuses on the process of learning and teaches different subjects as one interrelated whole. 

Here are 3 key ways in which the differences come to life:

A Dynamic Classroom

Traditional classrooms have rows of desks and chairs. The students sit in them and passively listen to the information that the teacher gives them. They may talk only when the teacher allows it. In a holistic classroom, students arrange the classroom in many different ways, depending on what they will be learning. They might sit in pods of three or four seats for group discussions. They might work at tables holding lab experiments or art projects. There’s plenty of noise as students share their ideas and discoveries. The activities truly engage them. 

Learning Self-Confidence

Holistic educators believe it’s their job to help students survive in the real world. That begins with instilling self-confidence. Failure is a frequent concept in traditional classrooms. When the point of a lesson is to pass a test, the student can feel discouraged from trying again. Holistic classrooms teach resilience and perseverance to help overcome challenges. They recognize that every student learns in a different way and at a different pace. It’s important to respect those differences. Students learn to value themselves and their abilities. They learn healthy ways of developing family and social relationships and how to face difficulties in life and overcome them. The result is increased confidence that sets up the student to continue learning and growing, both academically and emotionally.

Real Learning, Not Memorizing Facts

Today’s traditional classroom emphasizes testing – holistic supporters say a better word is  “obsessed” – and rote learning. In these traditional settings, teachers “teach to the test” – focusing on facts that the students will just regurgitate in a test. Holistic schools teach skills that students need in the real world, like collaboration and teamwork. Lessons focus on topics in creative ways that encourage critical thinking. Students engage in cross-disciplinary learning that inspires them to learn more. They might study science by writing and producing a short film about a prominent scientist. They could apply what they’ve learned about geometry, history and art by building a scale model of a famous monument or building. In the process, they might feel inspired to become doctors, architects or even historians.

Challenges of Holistic Education

Although holistic education has many benefits, it’s not for everyone. It’s difficult to introduce it in traditional settings, where parents and other school staff may be uncomfortable with its unconventional ideas and methods. And if a student has been in a traditional, results-oriented setting for many years, it may take a long time to adjust to a more fluid classroom. Schools can introduce elements of the holistic approach while still adhering to traditional standards. Even a small taste of holistic education can help the student develop confidence and may ignite curiosity to continue learning long after they’ve left formal schooling. 

Single-parent families face many problems, from financial struggles to custody issues and conflicts with their children’s other parent. Without a partner to share the load, it can seem even harder. The most common problems are about money, time and child-rearing concerns; there’s never enough of the first two and too much of the third. But with a good support system, you can overcome many of these problems and build a stronger, happier family.

Single Parenting Today

About 24 million U.S. children under 18 live with an unmarried parent, according to the Pew Research Center. This includes children whose parents both live with them but aren’t married to each other.  About 15 million live with only a single mother and 3 million with only a single father. The Pew Center predicts that because of increasing divorce rates, more than 1 in 5 children born within a marriage will experience their parents breaking up by the time the children are 9 years old. 

Common Problems of Single-Parent Families

Single-parent families come in all varieties. Many are highly educated. Many never finished high school. Some are rich and some barely make minimum wage. But they share some common problems.

Financial Problems

Pew reports that 30% of single mothers and their families are living below the poverty line, compared to 17% of single-father families. Money problems start almost as soon as one parent moves out. If both parents are working outside the home, the split will sharply reduce income for both. But money problems hit harder for the custodial parent. Usually, that’s the mother: 

• If she was a full-time homemaker, she might get alimony and child support. But she’ll have to pay income tax on the alimony, while her ex-husband can get a tax deduction for his payments. Many single mothers have trouble collecting child support. They often give up even when their ex owes them thousands of dollars.
• She may have trouble finding or keeping a job that pays well enough to properly support herself and her children. A woman who had been working before the divorce may have to cut back her hours or turn down higher-paying assignments without a partner to pick up the slack.
• Parents whose spouse has died have even fewer options than the divorced single parent. Most widowed parents don’t inherit generous estates or life insurance benefits that make them independently wealthy – or even comfortable.

Time Problems

Parents never seem to have enough quality time to spend with their children. Time feels even scarcer for single parents. 

• The custodial single parent’s day often begins with a morning scramble to get everyone up, clothed, fed, and out of the house for school or work. After a day on the job, they hustle everyone to after-school activities. They come home and manage dinner while supervising homework. They catch up on laundry and other household chores after everyone is in bed – assuming they just go to bed without constant interruptions. The day is even more chaotic if the parent has to work a second job.
• Life isn’t as chaotic for the non-custodial single parent. But time is still a problem. They get to see their children for only a few hours a week. To make the most of those few hours, they might try to over-stuff the weekend or evening with “meaningful” activities. Single-parent families can lose valuable bonding time while adjusting to the start and end of their visitation. The children may see the non-custodial parent as an outsider, not part of their family anymore.

Child-Rearing Issues

These are the toughest problems for many single-parent families. 

• The custodial parent has to make most child-rearing decisions alone. They can’t consult the other parent for support on day-to-day problems and concerns. If they’re divorced because of abuse or other risky behavior, they may want to avoid the other parent completely. 
• The custodial parent may also feel like “the bad guy” who enforces rules and makes other difficult decisions, while the other parent is “the fun one” who serves ice cream for dinner, showers the kids with gifts, and seems to let them do whatever they want. The children’s return from a weekend with a fun dad or mom can be a tense, upsetting time for everyone.
• Disagreements over child-raising questions can turn into angry confrontations. No matter how hard you try to protect your children from fights like these, they’re almost always aware of them – a stressful position to put them in. 
• It’s tempting to turn children against the other parent and use them as weapons even after the divorce is final. Children can become “spies” who are expected to report everything they see when with the other parent. Is she dating anyone? Does he ever drink in front of you? 

Solutions

There are many resources out there to help your single-parent family succeed. Here are some strategies to try now:

Gain Financial Control

• Figure out where your money is going. Track your expenses for one month – everything. At the end of the month, look at the list and see what you can eliminate or reduce. If you eat lunch out every workday, can you brown bag it two or three days a week? Put the money you save into a savings account for emergency expenses.
• Use your expense list to set up a budget. But be realistic. Don’t decide you’ll never eat out again, or vow to save $100 a month, unless you honestly think you can do it. 
• Do you deserve to treat yourself? Of course you do! Should you treat yourself? Only if you can pay cash. The credit-card interest on a new pair of shoes bought “just because” may last longer than the shoes. Save credit cards for true emergencies.
• Be honest with your children about your financial circumstances. If money is tight, let them know. Don’t scare them or make them feel guilty. Be as positive you can be without sugarcoating it. “It’ll be tough but I’m doing all I can to get us through this” is a good approach.

Create a Support Network

• Ask friends and neighbors for emergency childcare backup when your ex can’t (or won’t) step up.
• Join a single-parent support group in your community, where you can talk things through and learn helpful strategies from other single parents. Community-based agencies like Be Strong International can help you find one and offer a wealth of other resources – many of them free or low-cost. Be Strong offer a Raising the B.A.R. Parent Club, which is a free program for parents who need advice and support.
  
• Enlist your children to help you with household tasks – as long as they’re age-appropriate. They’ll learn responsibility and will enjoy feeling like your ally. Do tasks together to give yourself a little more time with them.

Give Yourself a Break

You’ll make mistakes as a single parent, but don’t beat yourself up. Ask for help when you need it and move on. The only person who expects you to be perfect is . . .  you.

Educators are recognizing that the holistic approach to education can help improve student achievement. It is the education of the whole person. Students don’t just learn academic skills; their physical, social, cognitive and emotional growth also come into focus. A holistic education program provides a supportive, positive learning environment that can help your child reach their full potential.

The Holistic Approach to Education

Practitioners believe holistic education only makes sense. No one learns in a vacuum; children bring all kinds of physical, social and emotional issues into the classroom. Teachers address these issues by integrating them in lesson plans and encouraging a positive learning environment.

Does holistic education put the student at the center of everything? No, it’s not all about them. In a holistic program, students learn they are just one part of a whole. They learn they can have an effect on the whole.

The holistic approach to education gives new perspectives to old education techniques. Children learn in context with the real world, so they are better able to deal with it. Students analyze the community around them to bring lessons to life. The teacher can design special projects that impart valuable critical-thinking skills.

Whole Child Education

The best argument for holistic education programs comes from the Learning Policy Institute. The education-research group says learning happens at the social, emotional and academic levels. Learning happens when all are engaged:

Emotions and social relationships affect learning. Positive relationships, including trust in the teacher, and positive emotions, such as interest and excitement, open up the mind to learning. Negative emotions, such as fear of failure, anxiety, and self-doubt, reduce the capacity of the brain to process information and to learn. Learning is shaped both by intrapersonal awareness, including the ability to manage stress and direct energy in productive ways, and by interpersonal skills, including the ability to interact positively.

The Learning Policy Institute says students “dynamically shape their own learning.” They apply new information to what they already know, including their own personal experiences. Success comes from hands-on learning activities that actively involve the student and include constructive feedback. It’s not the teacher’s job to provide information but to guide the students in their own discovery and help them to process the information.

Benefits of Holistic Education Programs

From sharpening problem-solving skills to instilling self-confidence – and never forgetting academic performance – holistic education offers many benefits to students:

Learning how to learn

The successful person knows how to learn. They know where to find what they need and how to apply the knowledge. When new problems arise, they know how to adapt and innovate.

Self-motivation

Students get involved in their own learning, which sparks their curiosity. They’re in control and want to learn.

 Confidence

Holistic education programs create a supportive environment. This helps the child develop better communication and social skills. They feel good about learning and want to continue feeling successful.

Academic Improvement

Holistic education caters to individual learning styles instead of forcing everyone to learn at the same pace. When the student no longer has to adapt to the group’s style, learning takes off.

Problem-Solving and Creativity

Students take up real-world problems with projects that stretch their creativity. They learn how to gather, analyze and report data and how to collaborate with others.

Creative Approaches in Holistic Education

Schools that teach holistically help children develop all their skills and build their strengths. This means the teacher has to be creative. Play-based learning, creative projects and imaginative thinking are part of the plan. Often, it’s just the spark that an unmotivated student needs. Instead of writing term papers, why not write and perform one-act plays about a subject? Why not learn about Abraham Lincoln’s assassination by putting on a mock trial of John Wilkes Booth?

The holistic approach encourages children to make connections between subjects, advises the education website Scholar Base – “for instance, using their creative skills to solve a practical science or social problem, or approaching a foreign language similar to the way they approach a mathematical equation.”

Holistic Education Schools

Holistic education isn’t just for traditional classrooms in public or private schools. Community groups and non-profit organizations like Be Strong International are excellent places to offer the holistic approach. They’re all about connecting students to the community and drawing expertise and knowledge from a variety of sources. Most importantly, they offer services that address the needs of children and families in a holistic way.

Parents and students are rejecting old ways of teaching and learning that don’t recognize the world at large or take a child’s individual needs into consideration. They want education to offer more than just facts and want to find meaning by connecting knowledge from different areas. Holistic education answers this call in creative, forward-looking ways.

Holistic Education Concerns

The holistic approach to education has both benefits and limitations, as educator Chris Drew, PhD, points out. It can be challenging to fit a holistic education program into the existing conventional curriculum. Parents and other teachers may resist the change. And let’s face it: It’s a lot easier to assign a term paper or give a lecture than to come up with a creative approach.

Parents and more-traditional teachers may fear that academics will fall by the wayside if a school shifts to a holistic approach. But academic progress is still a primary goal of holistic education programs. Everyone is still trying to get to the same place. It’s just the route – and the vehicle itself – that has changed.